Narcissitic women & pregnancy
A highly opinionated piece.
Why do narcissistic women proceed with conceiving a child while the relationship is obviously crumbling?
A highly opinionated piece.
A narcissitic person views a child bearing experience as a way to seek validation from the rest of the society and a right to brag that they are more than capable of raising a family. They do not view forming a family as a major responsibility coupled with the fears of uncertainty. They view it as a way to prove to the rest of the world how capable they are. At the centre of their thought process, their decision is not reallybased on their confidence. They intentionally ignore red flags in a hope they are a step closer to achieving what they strongly desire - a human being better than any others. One may argue that they have no self-respect for bringing a child into the world on a such bad impulse. They are always willing to trade their entire lives to live large and earn respect from the world. Self caring (for achieving an integrity as a human being) is never a main agenda for narcissists but earning a status presentable to the outside world is.
This desire to making a family with an incompatible partner is particularly strong for those who chase after grandiosities, but have not materialised anything sufficient to match what they aspired to become. Prior to the relationship that results in child bearing, they would have felt like life always robbed them of opportunities to prove how exceptional they were. For a narcissist this desire for validation is so strong, the actions based on this feeling just appears non-sensical and impulsive to outsiders. Why fall pregnant when you can barely have a conversation with a partner without turning it into a heated argument and you barely have income to support your ownself? In this case, the choice they make is a reaction to a disregulated emotion which constantly dominates their thought process over critical thinking.
Afterall, raising a kid is in a private domain and there are no external measures to rate the performance in parenting. Parenting is no career choice but a personal life decision. So narcissistic mothers will never be scrutinised unless there are extreme situations where a law enforcement will need to intervene. Mothers can be completely emotionally withdrawn or abusive towards their kids but these abusive behaviours will pass completely unnoticed if the kids are dressed, washed and fed reasonably well.
Their desire to make their grandiose fantasies come true is so overwhelmingly strong they will never take a look at things that will jeopardise the illusion. They will delude themselves that they will manage to raise a kid through all those hardships and tick off an item in the bucket list of becoming a ‘complete human being’. It gives them an ego boost to look down on people without kids as they see themselves of being ‘ahead of others’ and that they are truly adults now.
What they do not realise that 'maturity' and 'wisdom' indicate one's ability to regulate one's emotions without causing a havoc, apply critical thinking in all life choices, accept mistakes, make changes and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships. Maturity and wisdom are not badges you earn by making life choices - marriage and the number of kids do not guarantee you any extra scores towards your 'maturity level'. Narcissists overlook that you have to 'mature' as an adult before bringing a child into the world, instead they hope a child bearing experience will drop them a maturity at the front door.
Also kids are used as a tool to mend a failing relationship. Pregnancy is used as a tool to pressure the partner to tie the knot. They develop a flawed perception that if there are even greater responsibilities thrown at the partner’s face, he will suddenly become more grown up and remain bounded to the relationship. A change in one’s personality doesn’t happen like that. While they are not willing to engage in thoughts about dreadful responsibilities (on parental duties) themselves, they are seeking to shift all of the responsibilities to their partner. Also for non-US citizen female casts on the 90 Day Fiance, a kid is a great evidence to present to the Immigration Authority that their relationship is legitimate to earn them a Green Card.
Decades later these women can also ask things from their kids in ‘return’ by becoming parasitic on them. Not a lot of these women end up being better off and most end up without any retirement fund. Their uncontrollable impulse for attention and grandiosities will only take them deeper into the cesspool of financial trouble. So they see their growing kids as a form of insurance later on. A greater number of kids you bear, a greater chance you can terrorise more than one kid to meet your relentless demands. They eventually get their hands on their kid’s money to purchase their first home. You do see a lot of these cases with the male casts on the 90 Day Fiance where they send the majority of their earnings back to their home country while their lifestyle in the US is greatly compromised.
Overall, raising a kid under these circumstances is not a bad transaction for these people. In a kid’s perspective, it is pure hell and will certainly cause mental health issues later on. But not for these women. They get to have a weird twisted ego boost, can have an upperhand in a relationship, can shift all blames and responsibilities to the other and also can even continue their parasitic lifestyle.
