i don't understand u and me

part i

I hope you are doing well. I don't know if you've decided to meet up with your ex, Madison, but I am happy for you either way. I’m writing this because now is the time that I really need the courage to acknowledge my feelings and start to move on from the constant back and forth of confusion and the comfort I get from you.

I really had the time of my life during the trip to Nepal, and the three weeks I spent with you in Seoul. I also enjoyed talking to you for the past year or so about random stuff, everything from silly to serious. I thought I truly connected with you on a deeper level, despite having very different perspectives. But I think now is when the different perspectives really matter. You said you always anticipate the future and don't know how to appreciate what you have right now, thinking the grass is greener on the other side. I think that's what you are going through in relationships with people, too. You can't let go of the relationship that you don't have anymore, and you treat the person next to you like they don't matter.

I'm the opposite of you. I am anxious about what will come, and I sometimes dread the worst I expected of the future to come true. That's why I can't easily let go of something of importance to me right now. But I'm trying to be more like you. I believe that something as invaluable, if not more, will come along. And for that to come true, I gotta let go of what I have right now because I've only got two tiny hands and I can only hold on to so much.

I still value the connection I have with you. We shared our deepest secrets and insecurities; we shared what we expect our future to be like in terms of both careers and dating and having a family. You always told me how you only share things with me the things you can't share with anybody else. I never told you, but I felt the same way. Maybe it's because we're so different and we live on the opposite side of the world, but I felt comfortable telling you everything, even the things I wouldn't dare say to my best friend of eight years whom I call almost every day.

Because that platonic and emotional connection was so important to me, I never made a move, and I never dared to discuss how I felt because I didn't want to lose you. I thought about talking to you about the confusion I’m feeling at least a million times so that I could get a clearer answer, but I was never able to get that. We talked about everything from dreams to insecurities, but we never talked about how we feel about each other. I still wanted to keep our whatever-ship that way because I thought a connection like that wouldn’t come along easily.

But I don't think you valued it the way I did because you did things so easily, effortlessly, without concerns about what emotional turmoil those things could cause me. I thought we were good friends, but then I got confused because of the cute little things you did for me. Picking the ripest cherries from the cherry tree, telling me that calling me every weekend is one of the things you like to do as a routine. Those gestures were cute and gentlemanly and I think I got a little confused because that's what I was looking for in a relationship.

I decided not to be confused when you told me what happened between you and Jennifer in Singapore. You told me about it as if I'm just your best friend who you can tell anything and everything because the story was quite private and I would never tell that kind of story to someone I'm romantically interested in. It was easy to not think of you that way because I was just flattered by your gestures and was curious if you liked me that way. When I knew that the gestures didn't mean anything, the confusion went away, and I wasn't thinking about you in that way anymore.

Then you flew all the way to Seoul to bring me the pair of socks I accidentally left in your bag back in Nepal. At first, I was sure that I wasn't gonna fall for you since I clearly knew your intentions. Then that clarity started to blur. You said you like the light crease on my double eyelids and my light brown eyes. You said I have big white bunny teeth that show when I smile, while you were looking into my eyes and at my lips for a little too long. You watched me fall asleep and cuddled me from the back. I wasn't sure what to do, so I just stayed that way; then you held my hand, caressed it a little, and locked your fingers onto mine. You told me I'm the only one you can open up to. You invited me to your hotel room with dim warm lighting, with port wine and movies. You walked me to my office every morning and waited until lunchtime at the café on the ground floor of my office building. You said you really missed the routine of doing so when you left.

If you really valued me as a friend, then you shouldn’t have done such things even if you wanted to. You can say you were just being true to your heart, doing what you felt like doing and saying what you felt like saying. Yes, but not when you never discussed your feelings with me. You can’t say that’s how you open up when you were never really clear about your intentions.

If your intentions were not just platonic, and if you liked me romantically, you shouldn’t have treated me like you did last Wednesday when you discussed other girls with me like I’m your best guy friend or something. You went back to Singapore after and met up with Jennifer again, and “she kissed you again.” You always say it like you never intended any of that to happen, and she’s the only one who wants to make out. Then you book another hotel room to “sort things out” because she got mad when you told her you felt guilty after making out. “Why did you feel guilty?” I asked. “Maybe because I’m still attached to my ex,” you answered.

I realised my feelings aren’t just platonic anymore because my heart sank when you said you and Jennifer kissed again. Then it sank once again, and this time only deeper, when you said you felt guilty making out with Jennifer because you’re still attached to Madison. The next few days were filled with unwanted feelings like jealousy, confusion, and lack of self-confidence. I was born to be a girl’s girl, but in situations like this, I couldn’t help but compare myself to these two other beautiful girls. I felt like maybe the reason you consulted me as if I were one of the guys was because you didn’t even consider me a potential partner, and that it’s because I’m not attractive enough. I know this is not true because I usually know my self-worth, but these thoughts are just extremely difficult to resist once they start creeping in.

I didn’t reply to you for the next few days; you sent me texts, photos, and videos, asked me what I was doing, and called me. I called you back on Sunday when I saw the missed call from you because I felt bad for ghosting you and never letting you know why. You didn’t ask me why I ghosted you this time. We just had a fun conversation, as usual, and we were calling until we fell asleep. I don’t know what to do with you. I don’t know why I’m still so confused. Wasn’t that call from Wednesday enough of an answer? Should I talk to you about my feelings when you are clearly scared and immature to share yours? Our friendship is ending and soon there will be nothing to keep - should I at least be true to my own feelings for my own self?

I know, this email started out as a statement that I won't tolerate this and that you won't hear from me anymore. Now, just like your intentions, mine are turning blurry, I guess.