Five Stairs, A Ball of Yarn
English .
by
Oct 17. 2020
PROLOGUE.
There was a man
who thought there was no other way
but death.
That man was so exhausted,
it was almost impossible to take a step further
or to even take a breath.
Then someone came by his side.
He approached him,
opened up his mind and heart,
listened to his voice
and heard him out.
He wanted to empathize with his pain,
listen to his sufferings
and provide him with hope.
He let him know how precious he was.
Even when
the weight of his responsibilities was
sometimes overwhelming and difficult,
he gave him courage.
His warm love,
his reassuring solidarity
and his sincere empathy
became the beautiful power
that encouraged someone else
to be alive today.
We could either be the someone
who is suffering
or be the someone
that could be on one’s side
that is suffering.
I hope that
we all could be the someone
who can look at the same direction,
empathize, support and comfort
each other without having to just pass by.
1.
The pain has come.
Like a large ball of yarn
All tangled up.
Where has it started
to get entangled?
2.
It’s too late.
For me to solve on my own.
There is no one.
Just myself.
Only the pitch black darkness.
3.
But
Will anybody notice
that I was struggling,
tried my best to endure and
hold up the heavy load?
…
‘Who cares.
I’m alone now
And it’s all over.’
4.
Whatever, it's done.
I want it to be over now.
I need to rest.
I want to be put at ease.
5.
“Excuse me, excuse me”
Someone came and shook me.
How much time has passed?
I opened my eyes with much difficulty.
It was dazzling all around.
Someone was holding my hand.
“Come on, we have somewhere to go.”
6.
When I got up, a long way was ahead of me.
It seemed like an endless path.
“Who are you?
I’m sorry, but I have no strength.
I don’t think I can carry on.”
Instead of an answer,
he held my hand tight.
7.
It was quite fascinating.
My body wriggled for a moment.
I wanted to walk a little.
I was just glad at the fact
that someone was by my side.
‘Who is he?’
8.
Alternating in the lead and back,
he strolled with my steps in line.
“It was overwhelming, wasn’t it?”
He didn’t ask anything other than these words.
His voice was warming,
And the hands held were powerful.
9.
In no time
I was already walking up the first stairs.
‘Did I gain strength?’
“It was that much painful that you had to think that way, right?”
He asked again.
His voice contained painful sorrow.
Tearful as much as me.
10.
We sat side by side
on the stairs for a moment.
We talked for some time
about a lot of things.
We cried and laughed
from time to time discursively.
He nodded the whole time
he was listening to me.
It was as if his heart was nodding.
11.
When I think about it,
there were good times as well.
Happy moments and thankful people.
It seems like my mind has emptied out
as much as
the weight of a large ball of yarn.
“Who comes to your mind
at the moment?”
12.
I thought of my grandmother who had passed away.
I also recalled the supermarket she used to take me to back home.
I missed the sister from church.
She was always so nice to me.
I also missed my brother who suddenly left us.
And my family…
I thought of my family.
So I cried.
I cried longing.
I cried in apology.
I cried because I missed it.
I cried like that, wanting to carry on.
13.
He listened to me
without saying anything for a while
And cried with me.
And he held me tight.
The large ball of yarn that was next to me
came into my heart.
My heart was about to burst.
The next thing,
I was already walking up
the second stairs.
14.
We sat down on the second stairs for a while.
We began untying the yarn together.
“How should we untie this?”
There were two ways.
Either cut it firm like the Gordian knot
Or slowly loosen each knot one by one.
“I’ll slowly try to untie it again.”
Why do I feel like I have strength now?
I feel like
I want to try untying
the large ball of yarn,
The yarn
that I wanted to give up on,
that I didn’t want to work on anymore,
that made me dreadful
even just by looking at it.
15.
Little by little, as I untied the yarn,
it was the third stairs.
We didn’t talk about what was at the end of the stairs
or where it was leading to.
I wanted to ask but
I was more afraid that I would fall back down.
“Do you think I can start all over?”
I wanted to ask him.
But I knew.
That it was actually a question
I wanted to ask myself.
“Can you start over?”
“Actually, I really wanted to live
as much as I wanted to die.”
This was for real.
Words cannot say how desperate I was
in need of someone to hold me.
16.
In no time
I was already at the fourth stairs.
My pace got faster and
my steps were lighter.
He came up to me slowly and said.
“It’s time for us to part now.
You’re definitely able to go
on your own
You are more than a great person.
I’ll always be by your side
when you need it.
Don’t be hurt, try not to cry
and let’s meet again smiling bright and healthy.”
He left with a bright smile.
And we slowly parted
at the fourth stairs.
17.
I was on my own now.
‘Who could he have been?’
Could he have been the first love
of my childhood?
The Korean teacher back in middle school that I used to secretly love?
My grandmother who passed away?
My brother who suddenly left us?
Or…
my youngest daughter?
Or…
Could he have been a real angel?
