Autumn’s Hesitant Arrival
XVI 立秋 [1] / [9]
Once the ecstasy caused by sex with Violet was gone, his spirit gradually became calm, like a completely ravaged ocean which was thoroughly swept up by a strong typhoon. He couldn't calculate or think. He stared at Violet beside him, who was trying to seduce him further.
She also looked at him. Her appearance was still gorgeous, but it was only a naked human being next to him now.
He detached himself from her, and sat on the edge of the bed. From behind, Violet hugged his back and kissed him on the neck. He pushed her way, and kept his distance from her.
"Go,"
he said shortly. Her lips shuddered.
"Are you letting me go like this?"
Violet asked sharply.
"I'd be thankful if you get out of my sight. Now.”
His voice got even colder. She stared at him, saying nothing for a long while. It seemed she was shaping her ideas about how to react to him. As Alexander didn't move at all like a statue for a long time, she began to move slowly. He never looked back at her. Following that, the sounds of dragging luggage and the entrance door opening and slamming shut were audible. She left.
He became a man who cheated on his wife, like many other men whom he disdained. But that phrase-cheat on-wasn't proper. He not only didn't love Violet at all, but also loved and missed Cynthia frantically. Even though he had sex with her, he felt nothing for her.
All the more, it was totally the opposite of love. Indignation, loathing, a sense of betrayal about those past times, and an intense compulsion to break those moments. It occurred to him how Violet made excuses about what she had done to him.
'What I love is you, I had sex with him without any emotion.'
How did he reply to her? He completely rejected her, not listening to her at all. But, considering how he felt, he he might be able to understand Violet. And he simultaneously felt as though he hated himself for thinking that.
Should he have tolerated her behavior knowing that she was sleeping with someone because he loved her?Was that how he should have dealt with her?
As he thought of Cynthia, regret and a guilty conscience, which were nearly exploding inside, seized him.
What a sight I am, he thought. Eventually, regretting what he had done, he mocked himself and his behavior.
He could see long golden hair scattered about on the pillow, and the stain of their bodily fluids on the bed. But he was suppressed by a detestable despondency and lethargy, and couldn't even dare to erase those traces, only laying down there naked.
