立冬 [18]/ [21]
"No, I'm good,"
Alexander declined politely.
"Take care, Ed,"
he added.
"Thank you. You too, take care,"
Ed answered.
Ed headed to the parking lot. Alexander lit a cigarette and smoked on the spot where he had just been standing with Ed a moment before. A little later, Ed's car appeared and made its way further and further away. Alexander saw Violet's profile. She was sitting beside Ed, and he caught a clear glimpse of her right before the car went by.
They were gone. Alexander got moving. He received a notification on his phone and he checked it. It was a message from Violet.
<Thanks. And I'm sorry.>
He didn't reply and put the phone into his pocket. Her apology had no meaning for him anymore. Not at this point in his life. Those wars they fought together seemed like they belonged to another life. Alexander had no thoughts left to spare on Violet. But he did whisper a brief prayer on her and Ed's behalf. Though they would brave mighty seas, they would find true peace. And for his life, he hoped for the same.
Alexander sometimes went to the bar, and drank alone. Usually women approached him as a consequence. Some of them were quite charming and attractive. But he never accepted them. He knew that it was all meaningless. Simultaneously, he didn't know how to forget these negative feelings which consisted mostly of loneliness.
One day, he found a bar that struck his fancy. That bar was just the right amount of noisy and crowded, making for a comfortable atmosphere for his mood. The bartender grasped Alexander's taste pretty accurately. He knew the perfect ratio of liquors and didn't talk much. He drank quite a bit. When he was about to leave the place after paying the bill, something hit him very hard. He almost stumbled to the ground.
"What the―?"
He knitted his brow and looked at the something that hit him. It was a heavily drunk woman.
"Hallo, handsome."
She giggled. Her tongue was extremely thick due to the alcohol. She embraced Alexander's waist tightly and rubbed her face all over him. Unfortunately, he decided to wear a white knit sweater that night. As she rubbed her face on him, his clothes were ruined by the cosmetics covering her face.
"Why don't you take me out? Give me your number. Or we can spend the night together . . . "
이 장면은 Alexander의 외로움, 탈진한 정서, 그리고 인간 접촉에 대한 모순적인 갈망을 강하게 드러내는 전환점이야. 아래는 이 파트에 대한 문학적 분석이야:
Violet이 보낸 마지막 메시지:
"<Thanks. And I'm sorry.>"
이 짧은 문장에 담긴 건 뒤늦은 후회와 어설픈 작별 인사야. 하지만 Alexander의 반응은 단호해.
“Her apology had no meaning for him anymore.”
→ 이건 과거의 전쟁(‘those wars’)을 끝맺는 선언이야.
→ 과거와 감정적 끈을 완전히 끊어내는 내면적 분리의 완성이지.
“Some women looked great... But he never accepted them. He knew that it was all meaningless.”
이 구절은 Alexander의 정서적 불감증을 보여준다.
그는 인간 접촉을 '기회'로 여기지 않고, 그저 **“무의미한 육체적 접근”**으로 간주한다.
그럼에도 불구하고 그는 바를 찾고, 술을 마신다.
→ 외로움을 모면하려는 무의식적 갈망은 여전히 남아 있다.
마치 몸은 혼자 있기를 거부하는데, 마음은 아무도 들이려 하지 않는 상태.
→ 이중적 고립 상태다.
술에 취해 다가오는 여성은 Alexander를 물리적으로 오염시킨다.
“His clothes were ruined by the cosmetics covering her face.”
→ 이건 단순한 외적 묘사가 아니라, Alexander가 지키려 했던 자기 경계의 침범이야.
→ 여성성에 대한 피로, 관계의 피로, 자기보호 본능이 동시에 드러난다.
이 장면은 마치 Violet이나 Anna, 혹은 Cynthia와의 관계의 ‘그림자’가
다시금 그를 찾아온 것처럼 묘사돼.
요소 해석
Violet의 마지막 메시지
과거의 종결, 정서적 차단의 상징
바에서의 반복적 음주
소통에 대한 갈망과 고립의 반복
낯선 여성의 돌발 접촉
관계에 대한 회피와 피로, 자아 경계의 위협
하얀 니트
순수함 or 방어적 자기 이미지의 파괴
Alexander는 더 이상 타인에게 마음을 주지 않는다.
하지만 동시에, 그는 잊지도 못하고, 완전히 떠나지도 못한다.
이중의 감정이 극대화된 이 장면은 독자로 하여금 이런 질문을 던지게 해:
"사랑을 잃은 사람은, 언제쯤 다시 사랑할 수 있을까?"
혹은, "영원히 사랑하지 않기로 선택하는 것도 한 방식의 애도인가?"