To love someone
1)
My freind, Jo's still disappointed in love.
Jo and Jule met in a backpacker in Australia. I've met Jule couple of times but wasn't close with him. I just heard about him from Jo.
She always seemed anxious about their relationship. She was suspicious about his love for her. She felt lack of it. She asked him to be naked like she was, which was not his way of loving her. Most of time She stayed gloomy while being together with Jule. And then finally Jule left her.
With brutal honesty I think Jule left Jo because he wasn't happy with her. Moreover he would notice that there's nothing he can do for helping her to get over her depression.
She is now suffering from regret not being nice to him and lays the blame on herself for thier breakup. She keeps saying to me that she really loved him and still loves him. She said she will soon go to France where Jule's staying and meet him again.
What for? Don't you think there should be another priority that you can do?
Hey, Jo, He left you and said you it's over. He is not happy with you anymore. He's ehxausted from you. He doesn't want to listen from you anymore. He doesn't care about you at all. Why do you want to meet him again? Because you still love him and you believe you can be better when you love again? Because you don't have any relationship without Jule and want to rely on him? Because you can't stand that your inside emptyness? Because you can't accept that you messed everything and wanna fix it all?
She is crying and shouting that she misses him too much. I couldn't tell her my thinking frankly. But I think she should let him go. Let him go away forever and save herself. What does it mean to save herself?
It's her choice wherever she goes for meeting him. But she can't control his choice. He left her saying that their relationship is over. The only thing she can do is changing herself. Stop being suspicious, whining about her situation, asking his understanding about her sadness and only regretting her mistakes.
2)
Well, I also very good at distrusting my boyfriend and getting his intentions very wrong. Sometimes it happens that I lost my self-esteem, take tiny comments or actions from him as proof that he gets sick of me, then shot him with naughty words thinking like it's revenge. Yes I'm immature. I can't believe how immature I am.
I asked for my boyfriend to leave me when he doesn't love me and no longer happy with me. He said he will. I sometimes imagine that he is leaving me and I'm losing everything in my life. What a stupid daydreaming. If you let me be more stupid, I'm also training myself to cope with that disaster. I thoroughly believed that it is the best way of loving him. Well, It turned out that I didn't know how to make him feel my love.
Recently I changed my way of thinking a little bit.
Before asking him to leave me in advance, I'd like to decide myself that I'll do my best to make him feel my love and stay happy with me, since I want to be more courageous when I love him.
One day he said he feels like I don't want to look at his back. It was true. I only wanted to kiss his bright side, but showed him all my smelly characters freely. I was selfish and contradictory.
Yesterday on the way to come back home from supermarket, I told him about my realization. 'Jay, I realized I'm bad at loving you. Especially when I observe some shortcomings from you (It can be shown as strong point to others. Just from my point of view.), I don't know how to deal with that. But if I love you and want to be courageous about my love, I should accept even your shortcomings. I'd like to be the only one you can be totally relieved from judgement.'
He said, 'It's the same idea with that I accept you the way you are.'
I'm full of as much ugliness as my beauty. (Probably he'll disagree with this. Jay's thinking: Karen's Ugly> Karen's beauty?) When he accept me the way I am, from there I can start my journey making ugly points to beautiful-or just okay values without hurting my ego.
So I'll also accept him the way he is. I'll try that. I guess it wouldn't be easy like I'm saying. But I decided and i'll just go for it. Who knows that I'll be the master of accepting whoever you are the way you are.
3)
Can I let Jay go when he wants to leave me?
I have no idea how hurtful Jo is now. Donno what to say to her. I think I'd better keep silent and listen to her till she gets over it.
about loving someone.
I can easily say I love him. But if he says it's not love then it's not love. Love is somewhere between you and me. Love is between two chemicals, not coming from an independent side. If I'd like to be engaged with this harmony, I also need to cuddle this total imperfection. Yes, perfect imperfection like John Legend sings. Actually it is one of my favorite songs and whenever I listen to this song, my hope was to be loved even my perfect imperfection. Now it's my turn to love his perfect imperfection.
about loving someone.
I can't live without him. I won't train myself just in case he will leave me. It wouldn't be late doing that actually after he leaves me. Instead I'll try to make him feel my love. I'll make him smile.
about loving someone.
I need to make myself feel love first. Love from myself, him, all my friends, family members and universe. I deserve gratefully to take those love. Don't forget to water for my love seed. Regularly check that I'm okay then I could take care of all my lovely people.
to Jo.
My lovely Jo, I'm sorry that I'm talking about love when you break up. But Jo, my friend Jo, we should change first if we feel that something's going wrong.
