Anni, 아니

Being hopeful without hope

Hey, girl. I almost cried reading your letter. 

My italki class was cancelled this morning and I run into a cafe for finishing to read your letter. I read it twice. And you know Anni, I'm so deeply touched. I'm so lucky to become to meet you. Sometimes I feel like it's everything in my life to meet people, share ideas, become friends, listen to your story, confess my guilty, but anyway try to become better person together. And you, Anni, It's like I'm truely understood by you. I'm in the most natural and courageous zone when I think I'm connected with you.

about the blank paper.  

You said you had once believed that every place you go is like a blank paper and you can be whoever you want to be. And now you don't believe it anymore.

When I stayed in really low pitch with my depression in my early 20s, it was one of my habits to tear off an old-ugly paper which looked like myself and take a white blank paper with my fragile new resolution. I repeated to imagine to change papers in my head, believeing one day I really can have that beautiful white paper and draw whatever I want to.

But now I don't need that white paper anymore.  and now I don't need to throw away any of paper. I'm training myself to draw what I'd like to draw on this bizarre only paper. I accept  this paper, but pursue to draw better. Ill make my paper into three dimensional, solid, and colorful. I'm still afraid of black color(or poo color) that had made me paranoid once. But do you think that I can create something particular shape with that black? I'd like to believe that.

You said it's our mind and our choice to be capable of making change regardless of where you are. I like your activeness. I agree that we are affected by our circumstance. I more agree that our inner side will affect to outer world though.  

As you said, society doesn't let people dance with ineffectiveness and liberty. It doesn't like us to break away from orbits. Moreover, people who go with the flow under capitalism hate others who dream different world from them since they think it harms thier values such as money, power, honer, superiority, and so on. 

Do you know why I'm feeling comfortable with you? You let me have my own orbit. I dream the universe which has crazily overflowing orbits as much as possible. Everybody become different! So different except for loving each other. I love you Anni, and  I love you to have your own unique and beautiful orbits. Yours would be amazing. 

If I forget what I said to you today, can you remind me of this one day? You know my memory(including my will) is like gold-fish. 

I believe that you won't be in that box. But just in case, If I feel like you're crawling up that box, I will also crawl up there and kick you out. Please do the same thing to me.

Umm.. what makes me feel happy everyday and why?

Few days ago, I met one couple in the Analog cafe where I'd love to visit most. They're Justine and Anna. They sat next to my table, when I was dealing with the email from employment nz. She asked me how's my blueberry muffin tasted. I said It's so yummy and gave her a little piece of the muffin. Then we started to talk together. 

They got married an year ago when they had been together during 6 months. They want to be father and mother. Especially to her, Anna, it's her most important dream to have babies. She asked about my baby plan. 'Oh no, Anna. It's not gonna happen to have a baby in my life. I don't think I can be responsible for raising a baby. I still struggle to live by myself. And... I don't think the world is getting better. I'm worried about any disaster to come in this Earth. I know it soulds silly, but it's true that I'm real pessimist. It wouldn't be good choice for me to have a baby. Do you guys think the world can be better place than now?' 

 Justine said like, 'Well, I know what you mean. The terrIble accidents happen a lot in this planet.  But I believe if we try to be better, the world can be better. I'd like to take the lead to my children who will be born in the future. Then they will have possibility to be good people." And Anna was like, 'But Karen, you don't look like pessimist. you're much more like optimist as I see. You look happy person.'

 Yes, Cos It made me happy to talk with them. We continued to talk about travels, marrige, life's goals and bubble teas. Anna gave me her number and we promised to meet soon when her nanny job finish(She really loves babies. She's also interested in working at charity for single mom since she was raised by her single mom).

 Anni, I don't really believe that this world is gonna be better than now. It was all from my heart what I said to them. But I thoroughly believe that I should do anything for making this world and myself in this world to be better, even though I never expect La Vie en Rose. Being Hopeful without hope. If it's not the thing under my control, I will let it go and do my own thing sincerely. 

 Meanwhile It was impressive when Justine talked about his reason to wanna have babies. I'm thinking over it still. I like his point of view though it's different from mine. 

I often cook these day. I made sticky sesame cauliflower, korean style curry, burned blueberry muffin, mushroom-seaweed soup, cabbage roll, guacamole, pumpkin risotto.... a lot and a lot. I'm surprised by my talent to cook(hahaha). You can look forward to it.

I'm teaching Korean to one of Jay's friends twice a week and he looks like enjoying my class!

We finally bought a Go-pro!

And today we've got a marrige license from registry and will have formal wedding in 2 weeks probably. Hey Anni, I need your advice. Actually our officiant said it would be good to exchange rings for wedding anniversery and Jay also wants to have rings. I don't want it. I know people have couple rings as evidence of their relationship. I don't need it. I asked Jay to buy running shoes instead of couple rings.

His shoes look ugly and It can be also meaningful, like 'You run away when you want and be free as much as you can while we are together.'

Though he still wants to have rings. If you were me, what would you gonna have?

Thanks Anni. Happy to write back to you. 

See you soon.

PS. Hey Anni, I'd like to make a book with our letters. How does it sound? 

And plz tell me when you finish your book. Let's read together.