Anni, 아니
Writing for living at the moment
It's 7a.m in the morning and I'm not working today. I forgot to silence an alarm last night.
When the alarm was ringing, I raised my upper body abruptly without opening my eyes. I was like doing meditation for a while. At that instant I was thinking about Murakami Haruki, the Japanese writer, who wakes up at dawn everyday for writing. I've decided to rise to my feet. Then I came up with another writer who allocates her writing time from her two childen, starting a day every 4a.m.
I've spent this week with searching for and concerning about visa stuff, so I almost did nothing but worrying. After I folded my thought one by one neatly, I now can do the abdominal breathing and think clearly. I don't like it when I'm distracted by useless anxiety. For example, if I can't stay in Canada anymore, I should look for another place where I can go. It is stupid to complain about why I can't stay anymore. At this time I accepted I was stupid since I tried to blame others and I let my unpleasant emotion keep flowing without fixing a real problem.
(Anyway I'll stay here with torism visa more than I expected, but hopefully I would get a work permit maximum in 6 months.)
While I'm into visa study, I didn't attend a yoga classes, I didn't have an Italki class, I didn't read a book, and most important thing, I didn't have my writing time. I did nothing which makes me feel happy.
Yesterday when I just turned on my laptop and stared at this monitor thinking about what I'd like to write, although I totally failed to write, I was super happy. It's shame that I can only express that moments with the word, happy.
You know I'm reading a book about diet. this morning the chapter I read was about dopamine, a neurotransmitter. It is also called the 'pleasure chemical'. As the author said, 'dopamine creates a litte party in our brain and a feel-good sensation for us', when we eat chocolate, have sex, take drugs, and anything makes us feel good.
I'd say that the happiness I can feel from writing is higher concept than the feeling caused by dopamine.
'Oh my god, it's like eating the best food I've ever tasted. Crazily yummy.' I once said like this while I was having sex with my boyfriend. Sugar, chocolate, and sex have in common that give me an irresistable pleasure. But I don't want to be tamed by these temptations. I need them but I'd like to control them.
Happiness that I can get from writing is a different feeling of satisfaction from those moment-pleasure. I want to be more addicted by writing. I want to see the world with writing-eyes. Being addicted by chocolate or sex deprives us of self-control. It makes us subjected and unable to be free(Don't get me wrong. I don't hate them. Just explain what it's like. I need them). But writing gives me wings to fly. It makes me wholly able to be myself. Freedom acheived with my hand.
When I asked to my boyfriend where he wants to allocate his time to, his answer was not smoking or eating, but exercise. It would be the intensive way for him to feel his existence(self-realization) in the world like I feel the most potent existence of myself when I write.
'What's your dream, Jay? Actually I know what it is. Live simply. right?'
'Yes. I don't want to care about all these visa stuff. I just wanna live simply.'
'What is your values in your life then?'
(Took more than 5 minutes.. )'People I love - my friends and my family.'(Where am I Jay?)
What's your dream, Karen?
Yes, it's time to talk about dream followed by freedom.
I wanted to become an actress when I was child. I practiced what I was gonna say in front of the full-length mirror in my room if I got prize at the end of year acting awards. I went to the acting academy at the age of twenty and I could easily give up my original dream as soon as I realised I was terrible at acting.
After failing in my university life(My twenty are days of failure), I truly dreamed to be a hippie. I lived in a temple for 3 months. I once was thinking about being a monk. I failed to be. Instead, I did my best to pretend that I'm different from others who I thought was snobby and talking like I have the best answer about life in the world. (it was me who was the real snob.)
After failing to become hippie, now I've decided to become nothing.
Instead, I just keep living.
I won't reserve present for future. I won't believe that if I do a good thing, It makes me to go to the heaven. I won't lose what's true values in my life and like I engrave those in my bone, I will follow my values every moments in my life. I will grab my soul without handing over to others. I'll take care of what I like to do and who I love. I'll humbly accept what come to me but I'll pioneer my destiny every day. So, here what it really important is. Every day. EVERY MOMENT. I want to be myself who follows her principles every moment. Then, when the last day come, I hope I wouldn't have lingering attachment since I did my best to enjoy my life. For my last hope, I want myself to live a day with sincerity. There's nothing I can control but doing my best to live the best day everyday.
Waking up early doesn't mean that sincerity. The point is why I'd like to get out of the warm blanket and try to be awaken at 6:30a.m. Why.
For living in every moment.
I'd like to live at the moment with my best happiness. I already know what makes me feel happy, so the only thing left is actually to perform that with sincerity.
I'd like to allocate at least 2 hours every day for my writing. Although I sit on the table and just stare at the screen of my laptop blinking my eyes, it's totally okay. It's my freedom time. It's my utmost happiness time.
Thank you for reading this letter Anni. You know how many times I stopped typing and staring at this screen? My precious blinking time is accumulated between each sentences. I'd like to be more good at unfolding private times not only of mine but also of others with my own voice. A guy who sat next my table is drawing a figure painting. He looks like very concentrating on drawing and It looks beautiful.
Bye beautiful Anni beautiful day.
*I'll go back to home and make oatmeal cookie!
I made energy ball last time with various nuts, dried fruit and coconut oil. Surprisingly nice!
