Dream

my lovely roomate Letici-a

Hey! Snow is falling heavily now! It's the first snows of this winter. It's the first white scene I saw since I've came to here. Jay said we'll be all the times surrounded by this white world for more than 6 months. You couldn't believe this sudden weather change. A week ago I wore a sleeveless dress and now we have a snowstorm.

I like the shining orange light out there. At my desk, as just looking out of the window, I'm feeling warm. All the buildings and roads are coverd by snow and sparsely the orange light is shining dimly. Have you seen snow, Leticia? When I was in Auckland, it was quite cold but we didn't have snow, Just raining. you would never see falling snow in Brazil too. I wonder if you would like this white scene.

Do you still miss him? 

I told Jay that you fell in love with someone and he went back to his country. That you guys can't stay together anymore. Jay worried about you. He said you would be in a sorrow. I said, 'No, she is a strong person so I don't worry about her sadness. She would miss him a lot but also she would find her own way to be okay. Because she loves to laugh, she couldn't help to laugh.'

But I'm quite worried about your health. I haven't had an abortion so I can't imagine what it's like. You said you had bleeding much longer than it supposed to be. I think you should take a enough rest. If you can't miss your school, how about having off at your work just for a while? 

The time I spent in Auckland was all about looking forward to seeing my lover. Jay. I missed him incredibly a lot. You were the witness of the one who struggled in her supersaturated emotion. Even if I can have a chance to use time machine, so go back to that time again, I don't think I might change. I would be the same, love-stricken idiot and cry a lot for missing Jay. 

When you miss him Leticia, how do you deal with that? Are you okay?

When we lived together, you always listened to me. I thank you for that and sorry about not doing same thing to you like you did for me greatly.  We are really different people, but I liked to share the room with you. I learned a lot from you. After you'd gone, our room wasn't that comfortable for me anymore. Leticia who kept the chocolate and a bottle of wine biside her bed, who liked to be buried under her blanket with Netflix movies, who accepted my strange thinking about toilet, who liked earings, who had an amazingly beautiful curly hair, who was so kind and warm. I was thinking of you. I missed you.

My new roomate is my boyfriend now. We got married in here. I can't understand myself who keep saying that this marriage is just for visa stuff and that it doesn't mean our relationship became deeper or closer, then inform our marrige to my friends with a little bit excitment. 

 Anyway it happened. He loves me a lot and tease me a lot about my love handles. We fight regularly and have sex intermittenly. I remembered you're worried about our sex life, in case of getting another flatmate and for us living in a living room. It turned out it makes me more thrilled, Leticia. I'll leave it to your imagination. 

You once gave me a writing assignment and it was writing a poem about 'dream'. I haven't submitted yet. I haven't forgotten either. 

I had too much ambition, when I was a little child. I always ran for the class or the school presidential eclection. I studied hard for getting the highest score on a test and cried whenever I failed to get the highest one. I aimed to go the the university which had a high name value in my country but seemed like unrealistic considering my grade. I failed. I changed my direction to the theater and believed that I could be an actress one day. I failed. I went to the temple when I was so confused after experiencing all these shits. I did meditation every day while I lived in that temple for 3 months. But it also ended up some kind of failure. After all my successive fallings, I went to the Austrailia and started my working holiday life.

'What's your dream?'

If you asked a dream question to me at that time, I would answer that I didn't have a dream anymore, more precisely I didn't want to have it. 

I was always obsessed with getting acknowledgement from others; teachers, friends and  family members(especially my father). I wanted to be something for looking cool to them. I desired others' desire. 

I'd decided to be nothing but wanderlust when I left my country for the frist time to Austrailia. I'd decided to  disappoint the people who expected me to be great.

It worked very well with side effect. One of my friends said that I looked like glass which was gonna broken soon. The more I tried to be nothing, the more I became insecure, dangerous, and reckless. Everything could be an answer but no answer for me. 

It was not before long that I got sick of the ambiguity of my position. I can't remember from when I started to feel uncomfortable about my life without dream. 

Or maybe I started to intuit my own desire from my wandering at some point.  

I slowly did something, far from the expectation and judgement from outside. I felt freedom for the first time. I liked that I was a stranger to everyone around me. With all the unfamiliarity, I was enable to let my own desire resurface. 

I said you once I'd like to enjoy this picnic, if you remember that. I know our lives can't be always like delightful picnics. But I believe that I can do something for my picnic days. If I now can talk about my 'dream', it means I'm godemn lucky. Imagine who are in the North Korean or Afganistan. who are struggle just to survive. I think I already got some privilege. I dream I won't forget that. 

We're not sure what will happen in the future. I'm lucky but my luck isn't guaranteed. In my respective, the only thing I can do with this circumstance is serving my precious days with my pleasure. I can find my pleasure to kiss Jay, read a book, write a letter to you, talk with my mom, travel, have a soy latte, and so on. So I dream I won't forget where I smile; what makes me feel happy truely and naturally.

What if I go through some tragedy? Oh Leticia I don't even want to imagine it. But what if it happens? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I CAN DO LITERALLY. JUST SCARY. but I dream that I can accept it with humble. I don't know I can actually do that, but I wish. If I know how to enjoy a single day, there would be more possibility of myself accepting another harsh days with patience.

I have a dream that I can enjoy this temporary picnic with my own curiosity, passion, vulnerability, greatness, uniqueness,and love. if it's not harmful to others. 

/

I'm off today. tomorrow as well. I'll cook Korean spicy ricecake for our dinner tonight. He will come back at 7. I need to talk about our visa stuff more and book an airb&b and rent a car with him. Anni is gonna come here soon. Jay and I'm planing our first trip at last. Whenver we planned it, some bad thing(all about visa. you know very well how annoying it is) happened and we couldn't make it. So the Banff trip this time will be with Anni, Jay, and our flatmate, one korean guy. 

 As soon as I send this letter to you, I'll change my clothing and go to the library for borrow the book, 'Cathedral' written by Raymond Carver. I want to read it in english. 

Ah, you know what Leticia, I watched 'the game of throne'! I haven't reached the season 7 yet and I don't think I'll watch it right away, I just wanted to tell you that now I know what the game of throne is! kkk. I seriously love John snow. cutesexy. 

And Leticia, I'm not eating that much I used to eat in Auckland.  I think my appetite was about psychological problem. 

I go to bed 11pm or 12am. kkkk. you wouldn't believe this. But Jay comes back from work  oftenly late night, so I wait for him.

I cook a lot but it tastes ugly most of time. This morning I made vegan black bean burgers for our breakfast and he said, 'I'm so sorry, but I couldn't eat anymore. Don't get me wrong I'm just toooo fullll.' I knew he was lying that he was full. I knew it's because the patty was so shit. I'm not gonna give up Leticia.

  

Leticia

I wish everything around you will be good. Be healthy! 

It would be good also to keep in touch with you sometimes.

See you hopefully soon Leticia. 

Enjoy,!

yours, 

Gayoung.