[책] <The ghostwriter>을 읽고

아니에게

1. The ghostwriter 

 I enjoyed the state of concentration while I was reading this book. It's a book that anyone can be absorbed in.  

 Helena left her baby who's crying behind, clamed her room door, turned the music on for her writng, and her baby got hydration. Helena tossed her baby to the neighbor asking them to take her. 

 It looks she is a crazy mom. But I emphathized with her characther most in this book. I believed it was from her heart when she said she loved bethany. 

She'd never been a mom before. Especially for her, writing was everything in her life. When she loved Simon, she trusted her writing. When she didn't trust Simon, she trusted her writing. Maybe she might feel collapsed inside when her writing, which had protected herself for a long time, was invaded by the unwanted birth of Bethany. Helena needed time to accept her daughter in her life. Helena was a kind of girl who never imagined to be a wife or mom of a baby, but suddenly fell in love with a man and couldn't help but to obey that love.  She needed time to be better but no one wanted to understand her. 

I know what it's like to obey love. It's like rolling on candyfloss. So soft and sweet. If I trap in that stage in my love-relationship, I need nothing but them. Them who you're gonna be loyal to. I feel like I can breathe without air as long as I'm beside them. I want to follow them without thinking of hazard coming from it. I couldn't think with any logic, rather paralyze. I only exist when I'm with them. 

That feeling is too strong to resist. Or Someone submerged in that love is too vulnerable to love itself. 

 Some relationship can set free us from our dark cage, but most makes us blinded.  

 I'm unnessarily emotional when I read books or watch TV series. (I watched lots of TV series from my early age, like 8 years old. I feel like my brain was set up at that time to cry with the scene a director intended to make people cry.) I cried twice reading this book. When she screamed with the regret and love about Bethany and with the last letter of Helena to Mark. It didn't touch me, but my brain was like, 'Okay, it's time to show your tears in this part. Come on!' I always take precautions against useless tears, but it's useless. 

 When I finished this book, I was like, 'Hmm, tragic-thriller with sadness and freindship'. Nothing touched me except for clicking my automatical tear button. I'm not a critic and it's our first book we read together, But it's not true if I say that it is good. It's a good book for spending time with reading. It's a good book for allowing me talk with you, at least about the character of Helena.  

But it's not a book I want to hold my breath at all.

*A good book, in general

A book giving me fresh-lively eyes or funny enough. A book making me think deeper than my butt. 

*A great book for me

There couldn't be any agree or disagree. It makes my cheap mouth shut up. It's unable to judge. I fall into basement, where deeper than this basement, where no one can come but my own solitude. It makes me feel something I've never had before and that feeling's so clear but intangible. It makes me question and think again without answer, but let me hover around it.      

  

*A good novel I like to read

I'm reading a book, 'Half of a yellow sun.' I've never been to Africa and haven't felt that close to  Africa. I'm ignorant about it. It is a good novel, if it can broaden my view about the world. This book reverses my ideas. Like reversing our map and replacing Antactics on the top.  What's their sufferings when our history suffered from dictatorial government? Are they different from us? Questions.

 If it's a book showing the history of certain era without exaggeration or worship, it's worthy to read. But moreover, if it's a book illuminating the life of normal people like us in that era, it's worthy to read again. It can be classics for other generations.

 Novelist who went through the Great Depression era in America can give us imagination what's a life like living as a farmer at that time. Novelist who lived in Japen after Second World War can depict a life of the youth at that era. Contemporary novelist in South Korea can show the readers the self-portrait of our twenties who lose themselves and wander around meaninglessness.  

It doesn't need to reflect our reality always. It can be about the future like George Orwell wrote '1984', or Kazuo Ishiguro wrote 'Don't let me go'. But I think those writers could make the future stories based on their keen sense about the real world and humans living in that world. I appreciate those writers to lend their reversed eyes to me.

I try not to think there're more noble subjects than others, when it comes to novel. Novel is a non-fiction, so It can have variety of subjects. However, there are novelists waste subjects just for cashing in on it. Also there are novelists who blows air and give vitality to it. I think it's another essential talent which novelist have to have to be honest with the components of the novel; background, event, and character.          

  

*Any non-fiction including my diary

Only a person who's able to control their desire to display thier ego or superiority may write honestly. If it's not from their own experience and tries to be instructive, it smells so bad. Fake smell with flowery words. 

There's no division between what to write and what not to write. It's about what I really need to write. I want to write this one well. For doing that, I believe I try to live well; live more authentically. I type it, and letters come out. But it's not true. I feel like the good writers carve their letters and sentences. The way they carve thier lives is reflected as the grain of sentences in an essay. 

2. Emptiness

 Does it possible someone undestand me thoroughly?  

 I can't know who really you are, neither can you. Emptiness comes from this perception about human existence. We meet each other, become friends, and rarely love. But truly understanding someone is impossible. We ultimately come down to be alone. It's the human destiny. So emptiness will always be with me.

 I used to sad about it. I thought I felt empty as my parents didn't give me proper love. But even when I was floating in candyfloss in my love-relationship which I thought it's perfect, I was like horribly lonely in the corner of my heart.  

But I'm not sad anymore. I know now I can't fill up the bottle of my emptiness with other's love. I let it be there, sometimes talking to it. 

Although Emptiness can't be cured by others, I am thankful when someone approachs me. 

 'I don't know you and couldn't at all, but at least I'll try to understand you.' 

 As reaction, I'll also be closer one step more to them without striving to fill my bottle of emptiness with them. We'll just toast together.

We don't need to be melancholic but accept the inevitable emptiness in our life. Then be grateful that you are still my friend.

3. day by day

- I bought a moka pot! Yeah! I'm so so excited.  Next, I bought coffee beans from Analog, and I'm enjoying my morning coffee with the scent of mellow what I always love. Actually it's really helpful to wake me up early in the morning. Yes, I open my eyes to have a cup of coffee. Otherwise, where's my joy. Hahhahhah.

 

- I chose new book for Kani's book club. 

'Never let me go' written by Kazuo Ishiguro. 

I haven't ordered yet, but I will soon. When do you wanna start to read it? Maybe it will take around a week to get it from Amazon.

Hey Anni, you know that I work a little (I feel like I don't work), so I can spend most of my time to read books these days. But you could be busy in there. So I'd like to set our deadline instead of making you be in a hurry with my early notice that I finished a book.   

-I renewed my crossfit membership. I think I made a workout friend. I asked her to have a coffee or beer after crossfit together and she said she can make it next week. She is really friendly, and I think she is a passionate person about what she's doing.  

-One of my freind who has some difficulty in the school where she newly started to work as a teacher, asked me to watch the TED Talk by a guy who tried 100 times to be rejected deliberately. She said she's practicing being rejected by students and other teachers. 

I watched it and I laughed a lot. I might try to get rejections. But I don't want to ask Macdonald staff to refill my hamberger.. What else..? 

4. Anni

 Please tell me what you think of the ghostwriter, and the other things happening around you as well. How's with your mom? and Jen? Is she still in Japen? You already started new job? If you did, what's it like? 

 I would be really excited with your letter. 

Thanks.

See you soon, Anni.