10. Fasting(2)
⑨ How did I end up going to the U.S.?
'Just a few more hours and fasting will be over! Hang in there!'
In a corner of the Buddha Hall, three Korean nuns—including me—sat staring at the clock with the same thought in mind.
From the basement, we could hear the lively sound of Master chatting with people after lunch. Laughter and voices carried all the way upstairs.
We were hungry (after Day 9, it was no longer thirst but hunger that became the real battle), exhausted, and all we wanted was to get out of this state as soon as possible.
Then suddenly, Ven. XianShun walked into the Buddha Hall with her usual bright smile and headed straight toward us.
She opened her palm and showed us something.
“Master said that if you fast until Day 18, he will give you this pratyekabuddha relic.”
'What!!!'
How could I describe that feeling…
It was like thunder from a clear sky—joy and despair, hope and shock all hitting at the same time.
The three of us looked at each other and could only laugh helplessly.
'Well… what can we do? We have to go on...'
There was no way we could stop fasting and miss the chance to receive such a precious relic.
From that moment on, I think I stopped counting the days. I didn’t want to torture myself with hope.
My basic mindset became:
'Whatever… I surrender. Do whatever you want with me.'
As my energy dropped further, it became easier and easier to nod off while sitting.
Normally, when you fall asleep sitting and then wake up, your body feels stiff and sore from being crumpled up. But for the first time, I felt no pain at all. My body felt soft, almost like rubber.
When the bell rang, it took me much longer to stand up. I often had to hold onto the wall and wait for the dizziness to settle before I could walk.
One nun who shared the same room with us was having such a hard time she was almost in tears.
'I know… I’m struggling too, Sunim. But we’ve come this far. Let’s try to endure.'
Finally, the eighteenth day arrived—something that had once felt impossibly far away.
The first spoonful of rice porridge tasted unbelievably sweet.
Why did we have to starve like this?
How could this kind of suffering possibly help my cultivation?
As nutrition entered my body again, my thoughts started returning.
'Oh! So that’s why people fast!'
Looking back, during my fasting, my thoughts had become much fewer.
Normally my mind was busy turning over all kinds of random thoughts. But without the energy to keep that mental engine running, it felt as if the engine had simply shut down.
It was more like:
'Ah… whatever. Everything is too much trouble.'
And I clearly saw my own greed and stupidity.
When I felt thirsty, I looked for water. Once the thirst was satisfied, I looked for food and even watched YouTube mukbang videos. I had started this fasting willingly, but the moment it became difficult, I immediately wanted to quit.
A long fast for cultivation should never be done alone. You need a good knowing advisor who can guide your fasting, a proper environment, and protectors of the Dharma. All of these are necessary to protect the cultivator.
Under Master’s instruction and protection, in the proper Way place of WMT, and with the support and care of the Sangha and laypeople, I was able to complete the 18-day fasting safely.
Looking back now, I realize how fortunate I was. With so much help, I was able to complete my very first fasting safely and recover quickly.
After experiencing both long sitting and fasting, my mind gradually began to form a deeper resolve.
ChanQi, Jan 2020 — WMT Buddha Hall. Cold, dark and clear energy.(To be continued)
(If you are considering fasting as a cultivation, please consult an experienced member of the Sangha first.)