11. Becoming a Disciple(1)
⑩ How did I end up going to the U.S.?
My mind finally settled.
At first, my plan had been simple: learn the cultivation skills at the U.S. temple, then return to Korea and apply them.
But something changed.
'I want to become Master’s disciple.'
A sense of urgency arose in me—I wanted to stay under him, to learn more, and to continue practicing within this lineage.
In truth, after spending about a month at WMT, I had already begun to feel that this was no ordinary Way Place.
I had once heard that the three essential conditions for attaining enlightenment are: a good knowing advisor, a proper Way Place, and good Dharma friends. (I’m not sure where that teaching came from.)
A good knowing advisor:
Before coming to the U.S., I had earnestly made a vow in the Seonbang to encounter a good knowing advisor. And then I met Master YongHua.
His daily Dharma talks were incredibly engaging and refreshing. Things that had once felt like blind men describing different parts of an elephant suddenly became clear and precise. I even noticed myself smiling throughout his talks.
A proper Way Place:
WMT, as I experienced it, was housed in an old, dim building—yet it was filled with a sharp, vibrant energy of cultivation. I also felt deeply protected there.
There were no grand Buddha statues or elaborate altars, but it was unmistakably a place that relied on the true essence of cultivation.
Good Dharma friends:
Most of the Venerables in WMT had far fewer years in the robe than I did. And yet, instinctively, I knew they were far ahead of me—in their strength in practice, purity, dedication, in every way.
I felt ashamed of myself—having only accumulated years without true depth. At the same time, I felt deeply grateful and even amazed that I could sit at the same table, share meals, and speak with them.
And it wasn’t just the Sangha. The lay people were just as fierce in their own cultivation, yet completely selfless when it came to helping others.
During ChanQi, men and women sat separately on either side of the Buddha Hall, against the walls.
When my legs hurt and I tried to sneak a glance with half-open eyes, I would see laypeople sitting perfectly still right in front of me—I didn’t even dare to slack off. More than once, I found myself forced back into diligent practice because of them.
And whenever I couldn’t endure and opened my eyes again, I would see an elderly monk across the hall, sitting for hours—even in a slightly crooked posture. Each time, I swallowed my groans and straightened myself again.
Having encountered a place with all these conditions—how could I not take refuge here?
When I left home, I still had hope. I believed that if I cultivated diligently, I might one day attain enlightenment and open my wisdom.
But as the years passed—through the stages of trainee, novice, and bhikshuni(nun)—I eventually saw myself becoming someone who no longer even dared to think of attaining Buddhahood in this lifetime.
'Though fortunate enough to have left home, I was born in the Dharma-ending age, in a body burdened with karma, and as a woman. So awakening in this life is too far away. At best, I can hold onto the doorknob of the Seonbang, plant some causes for practice, and hope that in a future life—perhaps the next, or the one after—I might be reborn as a man, leave home again, practice Chan, and eventually attain Buddhahood.'
This, in a way, had become the typical narrative for female sanghan—something like a quiet form of brainwashing that had shaped my entire sangha life.
It is a sad truth.
And yet, here, I found hope.
For the first time, I experienced that cultivation could actually be joyful.
'If I cultivate here, following the schedule and instructions with sincerity, could I one day become like those Venerables?'
By choosing 'Challenge' and 'Joy', I was finally able to turn away from that old, tragic narrative.
For the first time in a long while, a sharp thrill ran through my whole body.
'At last—I’ve found the real thing. Now, I can truly do this!'
January 2020 — ChanQi Transference, Master as Wei Nuo.(To be continued)