My Life

Things I Only Feel Now

Was it love?

Only now do I begin to see
what I could not see before.

Feelings I had no courage to show,
something close to love,
wrapped in many quiet layers,
like rings inside a tree.
They held me tightly for years.
Now they grow tired,
and slowly, gently, fall away.

Was it true?

Now I start to wonder
about those days, those hours.
They rise one by one
and fill the room
like the ticking of a clock.
Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
They keep asking and asking.
But instead of answers,
only doubt comes back to me.

What about this road?

I stepped onto it without a thought.
I was busy walking,
busy running.
I did not see where it led.
Not every choice was good.
Perhaps I never stopped,
not even once,
and only kept moving,
again and again.

Am I all right now?

If I can be myself,
just as I am,
smiling and crying,
holding my own heart in calm moments,
pausing when I need to,
then standing up again—
if I am learning life this way,
then I am thankful.

As I grow older,
there will be more lines on my face.
I may eat a little less,
speak a little less,
hesitate a little less.
Sometimes I may simply sit still.
Even my small, careless habits
may start to feel dear to me.

This is how I am living.
And that is enough.

*these are my own paintings *