To my children
After Medical Center, the official treatment for my polio ended. Unofficially, it did not. My grandmother and aunt continued to take me to acupuncture, moxibustion, herb medicines, and other folk remedies. I drank so much bitter herb medicines. My baby teeth went all bad. It appears that I had no teeth on the old pictures. They are all black. People said that the strong medicines ruined my teeth. I think there is some truth to it. Once I lost my baby teeth, I haven’t had any cavities.
My grandmother put Chinese herb medicine in the earthen pottery, added water, sealed the opening with the paper which wrapped the herb medicine, and simmered it for long time. She poured them onto the hemp cloth, wrapped it around two wooden sticks, and squeezed it by twisting the sticks. I wanted to drink less of the bitter liquid and asked her to squeeze it softly. She wanted me to drink every drop of it. So, she twisted the sticks until her face turned red. She also believed in Shamanistic rituals. She burned paper charms and asked me to drink them sometimes. I took other herb teas. None of them worked. My condition did not get any better.
I have no memory of walking. Even in my dreams, I do not walk properly. Our dream cannot go beyond what we experience and remember. In my dreams, I float around instead of walking. If you don’t know about something, you won't have any regret. I have lived as the crippled my whole life. I thought that was my life and I accepted it. There is no need to greatly despair or overjoy. What appears to be a bad luck would bring good things, and the time of disappointment becomes an opportunity.
I separate what I can change and cannot. I do not cry over what I cannot change. I believe it is my duty to accept the life as given and live up to it.
I encountered my first major frustration in my 7th winter. A notice for me to register with the neighborhood elementary school came. My sister who was three years older than me attended Jae Dong Elementary. Her 1st grade teacher was my aunt’s friend. She was very small and short. My aunt used to call her “peanut.” My aunt sometimes carried me on her back to the school. “Peanut” teach told me she would put me in her class when I entered the school.
I believe my mother was willing to carry me to the school herself. But my father would not allow me to go to school. My mother and I cried and begged him to let me go to school. He would not change his mind. He said that the kids would make fun of my disability and tease me.
It is important to understand Korean society in 60’s. They did not have the word “disabled.” They used to call disabled person “crippled.” It was impossible to find a disabled person doing any kind of meaningful work in the society. My father probably thought even if I finished the school, there was no opportunity for me. He rather wanted to leave me some money and raise my brother to take care of me. (I have never confirmed it with him.)
No one could change my father’s decision. He had the ultimate power over all of us at home then.
I had school bag filled with supplies for the spring semester. I took them back and forth between the bedroom and living room, and learned Korean and simple math from my mother. She used to tell me and my brother stories every day. I found her secret later. There were huge encyclopedia books at home. One of them was filled with all these stories. She read and recited them to us.
I learned simple math from my mother. I memorized times table in her way. If someone asks me what the answer for “4x3” is, I have to think about it. I only know it by “3x4.” The answer is in three times table, not four times table.