Clear signs of the Spring

淸明 [3] / [9]

"I don't want to live like this with you anymore. This isn't enough for me."

Alexander was truly confused,

"Why?"

She looked into his eyes. And her answer was unexpected,

"I want to marry you."

If he was stunned before, he was nearly bowled over by this admission. But, at the same time, he had been strangely expecting it. It hung in the background―out of sight, out of mind―sequestered from conscious thought, but nonetheless there; an omnipresent sort of sentiment that only emerges, like a phantom from the shadows, at the darkest hours of the night.

What caught him most off guard, as Alexander would later reflect, was her voicing it. Giving life to what they both knew had to be addressed, as if evoking a ghoul, and making it manifest into form and being by calling its name.

"I want to get married,"

she repeated.

"I don't want you to leave, but I also can't stay with you any longer until I have some assurance of the future, until I know what we are. What are we? And don't just say we're coworkers, or just friends, because I think we're way past that."

"We are, but . . . "

he couldn’t finish it.

The truth was, he really wasn't sure himself. Their relationship had changed radically from the time his convalescence began, so much so that they were both in uncharted territory, a ship lost in its bearings, and there was a storm approaching. They both felt this, and the only path forward was to sail through it. That involved discussing and resolving a great many uncomfortable truths, and defining feelings complicated by years of baggage.

"I," Alexander spoke again,

"I love you. I have from the first time I got to know you. And I think you love me too. So let me ask you this: if I were to ask you to marry me, would you even want to?"

"What do you mean?”

she asked, looking at him, her face looking pale and anxious.

"What I mean is, are you asking me this because you genuinely want to know, and want to move forward, and take the next step in our relationship. Or do you just want to define and put a label on the thing? On what we've become?"

Alexander continued before she had a chance to respond. He wanted to get this out, and he measured his next words carefully.

"We're in uncharted territory, my dear, and if we start down this path, I want to know that we're both committed to it. There's no turning back."

Unperturbed, she pressed on.

"Do you want to marry me?"

He knew by her tone that she understood him, and he bent down on one knee, kissing her hand. Cynthia's facial expression changed, and she started to laugh. Alexander looked up with a grin, but he was caught a little off guard.