Sometimes
I got disgusting.
Sometimes, I got disgusting without any reason. Just got disgusting by myself. At that time, I wanted to abandon people of mine even include my family. But I forgot that negative thought soon without any reason. I've felt like I hate people since childhood, I often had a question to me. "Am I psychopath?" I don't feel any emotion about abandoning people of mine. Actually, it would be the reason I don't have many friends. I abandon people of mine, friends, when I think they are useless for my life. So I know I hurt many who people liked me. But it wasn't generated thought or fact by myself or conscience. that would be generated by people who were abandoned by me. Like psychopath, I didn't feel any emotion like being guilty about abandoning people. But people said that I'm too cold person like ice. If there weren't statement like it, I wouldn't know that they are hurt by me. And, I wouldn't feel it's wrong action. However, the statement of people makes me feel guilty. So I have compulsion, I have to hold people of mine, not to hear blame to me.
Sometimes, I also feel like my breathe is so disgusting. Myself without any feeling to people include my parents is suck. Can I live for only myself? Why do I need to care other people? I didn't want to birth, I was born. Like Heidegger said, people, include me, are thrown to the world without any decision. So I think life is so painful because we are thrown to the world without anything. Life is just the way to death and because people don't wanna feel anxiety, they do anything like work, social activity and love. And they make people who don't act like them weirdo. Although those don't do harmful action to people, those are certificated as strangers because those differ to people. So, not being known as stranger, person matches to society or a large number of people. I also match myself to society and people. So, I laugh although it's not funny to me, I participate the gathering although I wanna be alone. I pretend like being feeling although I don't feel anything. You guys right. I am too cold person. But it's also part of myself.
I know these thoughts are fucking freak. And you will think the author of this article is mad. But, in my opinion, I am not mad person, I am general person. Although I am general person to myself and I don't hurt you, Do I need to match to people's thought?
I thought I am mad person when I am disgusting. But, as time goes by, I become normal person like you. So don't worry if you're worried about me. With that procedure, I become normal from my blue emotion, I can live. It's just temporary emotion. After becoming normal procedure, I can feel you like we are linked. SO PLEASE FORGET THIS ARTICLE. I just wanted to express this weird feeling.
