The Problem of Time

Now, It Is Truly Unavoidable

I am a person with many shortcomings.

Of all of them, the one I want to overcome the most is

that I am a fantasy-driven person who lacks realism.

When I look at myself from the outside, I sometimes seem like a diligent person.

Sometimes I hear that I am quick to get things done.

But when you look from afar, I am a slow person.

Underlying this slowness is

My nature of not being able to perceive reality,

staying in the moment and trying to feel the goodness of that moment for longer.

Only after it has passed do I realize that

“All reality exists only in the moment.”

and the choices I made while forcing myself to put this aside often anchored me there.

There are dozens of examples of this.

When I was studying abroad, I worked part-time at a shelter for children who had been separated from their parents and placed in protective custody,

helping with group counseling and life guidance.

One day, my supervisor offered me a full-time job. He happily made the offer,

but I said, “It’s okay,” without hesitation.
Looking back, I could have gotten a visa based on that opportunity and moved to another job by graduation with my career,

but at the time, I just thought, “I just like working a few hours a week like this.”

Also, when my boyfriend, who was everything to me at the time,

gave me a ring on our anniversary, I hesitated.

“I’m happy with how things are now.”

Everyone told me

that I would be able to focus on my thesis now that I had returned to Korea during the COVID-19 pandemic.

But at that time, I wondered if I could live as a student my whole life.

“I like the present where I have weekly meetings with my advisor and am praised by my supervisor.”

That’s how I always stayed in the present.

I believed that time, my world,
would slowly wait for me.

But these days,
I realize that the biggest problem is the issue of time.

News of old professors’ frequent illnesses,

and regret for those I want to spend time with but cannot,

all of this is a matter of time that I can do nothing about.

“It’s a matter of time.”
“Just take it slow.”
“A better opportunity will come next time.”

Now those issues stand before me as urgent tasks that I can no longer put off.

They have become tasks that I must do now, or will no longer be able to do.

As always,
the sea of my time seemed to be filled with blue waves no matter how far I spread.

But now,
I regret everything that flows away—not the amount of water.

Last weekend, a friend who studied with me in Boston sent me a text message.

She told me about her advisor’s illness,
and said, “When I talk to you, it feels like I’m talking to that professor.”

I became anxious at those words.

I want to hurry, a little more, to kick off this place where I’ve been staying and

to stand before the professor with a more solid appearance.
I want to learn more,
and become more like her.

Now, it is inevitable.

For me, time is the issue.