My tragedy

I love to write but Iive in the US. wtf?

I don't like English.

I love living in America.

I seriously hate English.

I love Korea.

I hate living in Korea.

I am very good in Korean.

When I was little, I was a kid who collected words,

A child who had a lot of thoughts,

A child who's always been looking for something.

A child thirsty for love.

I was pretty lonely in my childhood.

and had no one to ask this feeling of confusion.

So, spent all my time alone looking for the words I wanted,

, which can comfort me.

So, I feel comfortable alone like a habit.

I met someone I love.

I was sure I wouldn't be lonely anymore.

So I came to America.  

And I became alone again.

I have two goals in life that I set when I was very young.

Meet someone I love,

And do what I love.

‘Hey, Hyeonin, Even though you lost the one I love, but still you have to do what you love.

If you can't, well don’t you feel so sorry for yourself?’

On the nights when I couldn't sleep because of my heart aches, I used to whisper to myself as I watched the sun rise with my tired eyes wide open.  

I had to whisper to myself.

Because words are the sprit, and words has power.

I needed strength, I needed courage.

I met my beloved job.

I was sure I wouldn't be lonely anymore.

So, I devoted myself.

And I met another a broke up again.

I must be a person who has a lot of my own love that does not suit God's taste.

God said he is the God of jealousy.

He said you shouldn't love anything more than me.

But still, to me, It was so important for me to keep my love.

Maybe this is the reason why he still has lot of lessons left to give me.

Father God-.

There were days when I couldn't love God because I couldn’t call him as a Father.

I didn’t love my father.

Because I didn't believe he love me.

I’ve always the one who understand something when I got told. And still.  

By earning money and barely surviving in this foreign country as a foreigner,

'Oh, Daddy loved me-. He didn’t hate me but he was just exhausted to live and he was young also-‘

As I felt these things with my skin, I finally admit I love with my father.

Amazing genes. Acting the way I hated of him, miraculously, I started to understand him.

And finally, I opened my heart to faith.

Finally, without worrying anything, comfortably.

I could call him God, Father. Hallelujah.

I thought I was doing well.

Because I let him go, I forgave him, since I love God more. Obviously.

I thought I could be happy if I lived like my present.

But what the…?

A life beyond all expectations.

Another ordeal has come.

I'm lost again.

For about six months, I worked tirelessly to lose the weight that I gained since Covid 19.

I constantly struggled in many ways, buying various sports equipment in my room.

Well..? It gave me more appetite from exercising lol

I was becoming a healthy pig.

And I lost 12lbs in the last 10 days.

Yes, that is the truth, best way to lose weight is the heart breaking.

A lot has happened in the last 10 days.

And the two conclusions I’ve found are,

I'm still looking for love and I still love writing.

For the past 10 days without a job, I have been looking in the mirror and asking alone.

Why it has to be writing?

Couldn't it be music or drawing?

Why did you choose the way it is a language itself?

I answered.

Well, I guess it’s because of my bad personality.

I can't stand anyone who misunderstands me.

An open ending, the permission of the imagination, I can’t allow it happens.

I will say what I want to say. very precisely.

Me, who were in the mirror asked me back.

‘But you're in America. Are you going to live in America? Then you have to write in English.’

The other me one answered.

‘I know, damn it.’

I got lost again.

What kind of future lies ahead of me?

I have no idea.

But only one thing, today-.

What brought me back to my feet when I was dying- was the faith that I am a person who does until I reach it.

just that simple fact.

The reason why Father God called me here and have loved me must be this.  My only virtue, Yeah, my strength, my tenacity.   

Father-. No matter what happens, I'll do whatever I want until I'm done.

I'll try until I understand what you meant.

Father. you know me I can't stand the gray part, honestly you know me better than I do.

Please take good care of me.

Please let me live like a human being.

Please let me live happily.

I beg you.

Slowly-, Slowly-,

Finally - take a step.