2025 winter
I made a list of things I've done this year that I am proud of. There are over 10 items proudly. I may be slowly becoming more generous with myself. Last year it was under 5 and I was even unsure about them.
I visited my family in January, I had to go to see my dog before it's too late. Thankfully my company confirmed my last minute vacation request and I was able to spent the last time with my whole family all together. I smelled my dog for the last time. I don't think he recognized me. he was such a worrier, but he seemed to have accepted his illness. Most of the time, he just lay there, breathing heavily.
We said our goodbyes when I left. He left us this summer. It was unreal, I still felt some sort of disconnection and I even sometimes asked my parents how he was doing then realized he's not with us anymore. This year, the tree where we buried him bloomed with white flowers. It was very beautiful. I showed everyone here. I felt like he was telling us not to forget him and expressing his thanks and love.
This year I tried to focus on myself. How to be healthier, how to be grateful for what I have and how I can put myself first over others. I thought about what makes me happy. It was hard to find the answers and making me question if I really know myself. Then I found the term happiness threshold.
It's the boundary line of where I begin to feel happy, I felt I had spent too much of my happiness already and craved it more and more, I pour too much into it, hard to feel my happiness anymore. I went on my trip to Prague this fall, I wasn't excited enough. I believed that maybe when I landed I'd feel something but I was glad to see my brother but the trip didn't make me happy like I enjoyed the whole time but I wasn't that excited as much as I was years ago. Am I being very unsatisfied and greedy about mylife. Eventually I realized what I was missing. It was humility, gratitude for being myself and thankfulness for my freedom.
A few weeks ago, I found a small gateway cafe that just opened in the subway station. The smell tho... the scent of buttery pastries and sound of grinding coffee beans were calling to me. I felt instant excitement. After months of craving happiness, I found I was simply happy just to be excited by the smell of croissants and coffee. They sell many types of croissants, and I got my favourite one - pistachio cream croissants and solid black americano. The cashier saw my happy face at 7am in the morning, I could tell she was happy to see me being happy. All those morning greetings, full of buttery smell from the bag, waiting for my coffee there, my heart was beating the whole time. However, I don't go there everyday because I don't want to overspend this precious happiness again. I will save my buttery bitter happiness for another day.
