Who I Am Before I’m Observed
아무도 보지 않을 때 당신은 누구인가요?
You may be pretty and all, but if the world was blind, who would you impress?
“I lived so carefully, thinking someone was watching. But the stage was empty, the audience never came.” — Ozamu Dazai
좌석이 비어 있어요. 극장이 어두워요. 왜 자꾸 연기해요?
제가 기억할 수 있는 한 오랫동안 공연해왔어요. Not on a stage, not under bright lights — but in life. Every room, every conversation, every moment where eyes might be on me. "I’ve memorized which smiles people like best, which words make them nod, which silences keep me from being “too much.” I’ve learned to bite my tongue until it bleeds just to be easier to love.
Because I was a people pleaser. I would do anything: bend, shrink, break myself — just so they would like me. Just so I could fit the shape they wanted.
나는 스스로에게 그것이 일시적인 것일 뿐이며, 충분히 안전하다고 느낄 때 벗을 마스크일 뿐이라고 말했다. 하지만 세월이 흘렀다.And somewhere along the way, I forgot how my real face looks. I’m not even sure it’s there anymore. The mask didn’t just cover me; it replaced me.
솔직히 말해서, 그걸 없앨 생각만 해도 무서워요. 사람들이 그것 없이 저를 알아보지 못하면 어떻게 하나요? 그것 없이 나 자신을 인식하지 못하면 어떻게 될까요? 정말 더 나빠지면 어떻게 될까요? What if they don’t love me for who I am?
I’ve built this version so carefully — rehearsed her lines until her voice swallowed mine. I’ve carried her through every day because she keeps me safe. She’s predictable. She’s acceptable. She’s timid and will do everything just for people to like her. And even though she’s not me, she’s the only me the world seems to want.
But here’s the truth I never wanted to admit: there is no audience. The seats are empty. The theater is dark. No one is keeping score.
When I’m alone, I catch glimpses of someone different. I laugh too loud, sing badly, dance without rhythm. I walk lighter. My voice changes. I let the strange, unpolished parts of me spill out. And in those moments, I feel something that might be real.
Of course, solitude has its shadows. It makes my flaws stand out — the envy, the pettiness, the selfish thoughts I never voice. But it also reveals the quiet good in me — the kindness that asks for no applause. A smile for a stranger. A few coins for a beggar. Buying from a vendor just to help them earn. Letting someone take the spot ahead of me in the line.
And then it hits me: people come and go. Applause fades. The lights turn off. At the end of the day, when everyone leaves, the only person left is me.
So why am I living for people who won’t stay?
Why am I shaping myself for an audience that isn’t even there?
If you’re reading this, maybe you need to hear it too: Stop waiting for the world to validate you. Stop performing for a crowd that isn’t watching. Let yourself laugh too loud. Wear what you like. Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes. Choose yourself, even if no one else does. Live for yourself.
Because at the end of it all, when the curtain falls and the seats are empty — it’s just you. So live for yourself. You only have you.