Anni, 아니

aggressive or generous

1.

Hi Anni. I should've waited for you writing back. But can you understand me who write to you even before you reply? I need it. I need time to write to you. I need time to feel that 'amniotic tranquillity of being indoors during a thunder storm' and I'm the one who can feel it by writing. I'm writing to you then I wonder if it's possible to write anything else other than this. Now I'm wiggling to be better. wrggling since I know I need to do it. I'm fighting with myself and nobody notice this struggle. Nobody deserves my twist and my instinct desires to do all these hassle for my survive. What can I write Anni? (Yes I'm easily forget how lucky I am and ready for whining) 

But thanks to you Anni. I can tell you maybe everything. Donno how come it's available to be frank like this. Most of all, I like that you are the receiver of this letter.

You met Jess and you fell in love with her. You kissed her and you had sex with her. You said it was amazing. I can imagine your happy smile. I think I haven't met Jess before. I just heard about her from you. I'm glad that you met someone that you really like. At the same time don't know what to say about you guys' unintentional say-goodbye. 

But you felt that. The beauty when we love and touch someone deep inside. Someone become not anymore just someone. 

2.  About my someone who became my only one now. 

Can I tell you about his secret?  

My boyfriend said that he is neurotic about others asking him to make an effort. When he was in schools from very liitle boy to adolescence, his parent and all his teachers scolded him that he didn't make any effort on his studying.   

'You didn't?' I asked.

'No, I did. I did endeavor. But everyone around me described me like who didn't know how to work hard. They also said that I would be really good at studying if I put any little more effort since they thought I was smart boy. Jesus. I was studying hard by myself, but my grade wasn't that prominent. I understand that they thought It's shame, but unfortunately the fact was that I did my best and unfortunately as a result my grade sucked. I was stressful when they interpret my poor score as my effortlessness.'

When he says something with his whole heart, his eyes are so deep and attractive. I'm enamored with that.

'When I was in high school, I aimed to go to the college of physical education. there was a senior who helped me to train practical examination. I was okay with the other movement but I was strangely bad at a backward roll. One day he told me off my attitude. He said that I didn't make an effort. Again, someone pointed out my effortlessness. I cried with the rebelious eyes. I couldn't forget how awful I felt while I was crying. Every sorrow came out at that time. I said in my mind that Fuck them all.'

I once said him that I maybe can't love him when he doesn't make any effort for something. I mean I won't care about what that something would be but I want him to live with purpose. I now regret what I said to him. hope he already forget about it. 

But that wasn't the end of my asking. 

I asked him to make an effort to talk more actively with his boss and agency about our visa issues.

I asked him to make an effort to study English more enthusiastically.

I asked him to make an effort to think more about our plan B; such as going to the college in here, saying like he is better person to study in college since I'm very good at studying by myself.   

I asked him to make an effort to love me more and to say it out loud that he loves me.

Anni I know I was terrible. I agree painfully. 

When he told me about his neurosis, I realised that how hard it would be for him to endure my relentless insist. If you let me make excuses, can I add more?

3. Karen's excuses

Like you said, 'I have the power. I've decided so.'

But also, I think my power comes from my effort.

Or it comes from my belief about effort. I think except for a few persons, for most of us, if we want to do something well we need to put our time and effort on that. It's obvious that the more you care about it and really do anything for it the more you can close to it.  

It's my brain circuit; I want to live with books like I have a meal everyday. why? Do you think it can make you seem elegant? Maybe, but I like to be with books since it makes me want to keep living. There's nothing I can save other than myself. I save myself with books like they save themselves with god. When I read interesting books and meet those people in the book, I want to live more. Live like deep-creamy chocolate. I like myself who are there. And I think personally it's my duty as Karen to observe the world with my eyes and to be better for guarding my values. Letters on books are absolutely influential in finding out true values and the way to keep it, training my spirit, again turning over everything, but cheering me up, always lighting my inner eyes up. But you are a cleaner or a waitress. So what? I'm now working as a cleaner and a waitress but I dream my woody library and my old Karen who is reading a book with white hair on my seventies if I'm lucky to live that long.  Who can block it? You can block or help it. What are you now doing for that? I'm trying to write something even if it is just small letter and I also try not to stop reading books. Why do you try to write, not just read a book? I wanna make something with my head and hands( plus with my heavy butt) since if I don't write it would be boring. My eyes are the most lively when I look at this scree. Also I wanna meet more comrade with my letter. Not for a grand plan, but for shaking hands and eating with them together. But If we could make a great event together, it would be wonderful.(great event like impeaching for corrupted president) Third reason; I confess I love the feeling of being acknowledged by others. So are you satisfied with what you're doing for what you want? Nope. Why? I need to put more time and effort on my reading, reasoning and writing. Then do it. Is it difficult? Maybe it's rather simple and easy than difficult. The only thing I need to do is really to read a lot, to think widely and to keep writing. So why don't you do that? I'll do that. I'll do that more. I'll do that more and more.

Anni. I believe the principle of input and output. You can reap as you has sown.It's fair and honest. It doesn't mean I'm always good at working hard. It means I'll always try to work hard for my life. 

 I'm obbsessive about 'effort' while Jay has neurosis with it.

4. How different we are or how arrogant I am.

My mom loves me but when she was angry to me she used to say like 'You are so arrogrant and impolite. You think you are better than others! I bet you never have friends!' 

I was like 'Yes mom,can you please close the door and leave quietly?' 

Fortunately I still have a few friends. But It wasn't until recently that I noticed most of my friends (who are a few) think like my mom did about me; 'Karen You think you are so good. We all know that.' 

My boyfriend? It's his saying; 'Karen is famous for her arrogance.'

Wow. Surprised.   

Anni Do you also think like them? Am I so full of excessive pride?

WhIle My boyfriend and I quarreled last night, he said that I do never listen to what he is thinking of since I always think my answer is a right answer and that I think I'm so so good.

I said to him, ' I've never thought I'm better than others. On the contrary I always try not to keep the feeling of inferiority. The reason I'm so strong when I express my opinion is because I really think like that. If you don't like it, just tell me your opinoin and let's fight and solve it together.  Also if it's about my values and my life, I should be assertive. 

A day later,

I sent him a sorry message. Sorry about not listening to what he said(If I did not, which is hard to admit) and not thinking about his situation.

Anni, I'm making lots of mistakes while I'm loving him. He too, but I feel like I'm more trouble maker in our relationship.

Because I like to make an effort more and more, I said to him to do the same in a very aggressive way. But Jay is an independent person who do what he likes to do. I'm just his girlfriend who loves him. I shouldn't be his mom or teacher who order more effort on him. 

When I said to jay that I suddenly realised how my nearest and dearest think about me, do you know what he said?

'Omg, I should stop saying like that. It can be a neurosis to you as 'making an effort' to me. I won't say like that anymore. Don't think that you are really what they call you. Don't.'

(Anni maybe I'm really arrogant since I don't think that I'm arrogant although all of them think like that. I'm just okay. Little bit short temper. That's all.)

5. Karen's conclusion

I won't ask him to endeavor anymore. Promise. I have my own way and he has his own way. And I will more listen to him. Even I'm so sure that I'm right, I'll hold back my short temper and wait for him to finish his words patiently. (Hoooa.. Can you Karen?)

When someone falls in love with someone, we feel really intense emotion. But as times goes by, we start to disremember what that first love emotion was like and disregard what's truely important to us. 

I'll train myself to keep my love. You know I have my own way; I would be a little bit aggressive. I can't change my character even they say sometimes I'm full of too much self-pride. I know it's not because I'm arrogant. But I'll think about it can make him uncomfortable and I'll consider it to not hurt him. 

I won't try to change his own way neither. He didn't ask me to change some part of myself since we've been together. I really thank him for that. When I say 'I love you' he talk back with 'me too'. He said it's awkward to say 'I love you' a lot. When I attack him with crazy sharp words staring at him fiercely, he just smile and doesn't get angry. I now do understand it's his way of express affection instead of 'sa-lang-hae'. 

He has his own way of loving me and also living his life. I'll respect that. I should!

6. 

You are in Okiniwa where it's fucking hot hot. I said you to enjoy that hotness. It might make you more hot ;)

It's getting too cold and it's rainy today.

Jay and I will buy some winter clothing for not to die(no exaggeration).

He wants to ask you if it would be okay to go the banff together. He probably can get a 4 days-off. 

 

Tell me about Jess more when we meet!

I'm off today. I'll browse internet for our trip.

Have a nice day wherever you are.

Yours Anni. Thanks Anni.