Thought I thought
It is neither essay nor diary
"Las meninas(1656)" - Diego Velazquez(1599~1660)For improving my short English, I write what I wanna say in English this time. (Actually, I wanna write in English frequently.) This article is neither essay nor diary. It's just thought I thought.
These days, I don't know how to live and what's right like the painting above called "Las meninas" by Velazquez. When we try to understand that painting, we are easily to feel confusion. Because Velazquez drawed not what he draw but subject, Felipe IV and his wife, see. It's very weirdo painting. As we know, artists make what they want to express not what they are seen. So there are many interpretations about guessing Velazquez's intention. But we can't get what he intended because he died without any explanation. Although intention is the one, there are interpretations about this painting.
As I said, I'm confused like the person who faces Las meninas first. A few weeks ago, I consulted with professor who lectured me last semester.He said that because I wanna study about Michel Foucault, my favorite philosopher, I need to study it in France. It means I need to go france to study what I want do. Although I agree it, when I heard that opinion directly by professor, I got feel like being shot bazuka. First, I haven't thought about going France even travel. Although I dreamed American dream sometimes, I never thought about going Europe. Second, I can't do French. By the case of English, I learned it since I was 10. So English is so friendly to me and I have confidence 'bout it. Even, I'm interested in English literacture. But French is so strange langauge for me. I've watched American or British movies or dramas, I never watched French contents. So If I need to France, I have to study french from beginning. Although I wanna study more about Michel Foucault's philosophy, I don't wanna go there. I wanna go a country using English, like America, UK, rather than France. To be what I want to be, Do I need to do that?
There is second concern of mine. Only philosophy? How about English literacture? First, I have american dream. Second, If I graduated with literacture, I can do what I wanna do. I want not to study deep philosophy like meta-physica but to speak what I think. Really do I wanna be philosopher? Or do I wanna be parresia like Michel Foucault?
Recently, I wrote an article with "Damien" written by Hermann Hesse. Writing that, I thought that "can I do what I wanna do without philosophy?". As I recognize philosophy was only the answer I need, I doubt about this absolute belief. Handling these concerns, I'm so confused now. What should I do? In front of this question, who makes decision about what I should do? I thought if I start studying philosophy, I will never stop this. But, before I run, I calculate a vector like velocity and direction like idiot although I ain't a scientist. Is it impossible for me to do something deep without calculating? Sometimes, I think English literacture would be better than philosophy. I'm concerned with the situation if I major philosophy, I will be locked in philosophy.
So, I thought about a solution I need. the solution I thought is that living in foreign country after graduation and settle at there and If I adjust at that country, I'll enter the graduated school. what major I'll do? I will wanna make a decision during foreign life. Although it's my thought, I think it's fxxking bullshit. life is too hard...
