Apatheia
What I need now
Last wednesday, I met the professor who lectured me Ethics last semester. Although I don't have a her class, I wanted to question about John Stuart Mill, the philosopher I studied lately , and get advice about doing philosophy. If I were her, the student who doesn't have her class would be annoying, she welcomed me. Even she bought me a cup of coffee. Actually, some question about Mill is something for justification to meet her. In fact, I'm not interested about Mill's philosophy. An area of interest to me is not Ethics but Structuralism philosophy like Foucault's. But I studied Mill's and it was interesting than expected.
After question about Mill's philosophy, I led our conversation to the point that I actually wanted. I asked her about doing philosophy and how to study philosophy. she answered with her own experience kindly and easily to understand. And she asked me for one. It was what I couldn't expect. she said "don't treat yourself harshly". Actually, I thought I'm doing well. Because I started studying philosophy later than others, I think I have to study it more than others who study philosophy. So I spent all of my time to study philosophy and writing essays to be better philosopher. However, she said like I strangle myself. At that moment, I can't understand what she said. Why does she think so? Not doing well but strangling myself? I couldn't agree it. I studied hard than no one and I was proud of it. The more I study, the more I felt satisfaction. But Ph.D of philosophy said me like I'm doing it through bad way.
And she suggested me to study history of philosophy since "Thales" and find what I want to major. Reasons why she suggests those are reasonable to me. And I agree it and feel need to do it. After meeting her, I recognized that I whip myself. I killed myself little by little with pressure made by myself. The pressure I made killed me little by little without my knowledge.
So I made my mind to study with psychological relaxation and Apatheia. Without Apatheia, people can't do even what they used to do. Because I won't stop studying philosophy, I will have relaxation and wide sight to see the world and what I study. Yesterday I didn't have relaxation to care myself. Since I met that professor, I recognize what Apatheia truly means and the fact I need Apatheia. Thanks for advices to me.
