The wind blows
The desire to write
Maybe I was around 7years old. Late in the evening, I went to hospital to visit someone of my father's friend. On the hospital TV, "Lee So Ra's Proposal" was played. Starting with that moment, I avoided Lee Sora morbidly for a while. Without knowing why, when I look her, my heart went down to the edge of the earth. Even when I accidentally met her thru TV, I got frightened and quickly changed the channel.
I couldn't understand my own actions, so I used to secretly make a small promise not to reveal this moment to anyone.
Even so, when she comes out, I rapidly searched for the remote control as if I had heard an earthquake alarm. Of course, she's not an artist who shows up often, so I just had to avoid her show 'Proposal'. It was in 2011 that I reunion her who I had forgotten for a while. Through the show ‘I am a singer-season1’ which was the national hottest program. Back then.
At the age of 20, with the stronger internal organs than before, I watched her stages. I vaguely started to figure out why I had felt uncomfortable with her.
‘How thin skin was she born with? How sensitive she is? How hard is it to treat the world with that emotion?’ A kind of feeling of homophobia.
I think I was about 9 when I first thought I should write. I think I thought, "I was born as a person who laughs, cries, angry, and loves more than anyone else, so I need a place to pour it out."
Contrary to my mom's wish to foster artistry through music, I did not like music and art that much. It's clear since most of my childhood misdeeds happened in music and art classes. My mom who has the most girlish taste, who loves the movie ‘Sound of Music’ had a hope to raise her daughter as a "classy violinist like Jung Kyung-hwa." Unfortunately, however, her wish could not be fulfilled because of me, who climbed everything on earth and used to beat up all the boys. Looking back, I fought a lot. when young, with my body. After grown, with words.
I was really good at arguing. Since read a lot of books. Had a lot of bullets. But surprisingly, the words fight always left more scars in my heart than the pride of winning. On the contrary, it was the writing battle that left a feeling of pride rather than a wound, even though I had said everything I had to say. I have often heard that you are good at writing. I said the same thing, but it was strange that words provoke anger and writing evokes understanding.
Perhaps that's why I promised myself that I should write when I have something important to express - so that I don't get misunderstood.
It was after I became an adult that I realized that the reason why the results were worse when communicating verbally was because 'my emotional rhythm is too big and urgent'. After a lot of time passed-. After hurting so many people-. Unfortunately, the rhythm of the innate emotion itself could not be corrected. This is not located in an area of effort. I'm just a person born with thin skin. For admitting this, I needed a lot of time. Afterwards, I changed my direction and decided to just keep my words in a soft way. So, surprisingly, this is version 3.0 of Hyeonin. Believe it or not-.
In conclusion, I decided to write because I have a lot of innate emotions. But since I keep hurting someone when I put it into words, I started writing with the intention of quietly organizing my thoughts. If I pour my energy into a person, it's too much for the recipient, so let’s just pour it into the paper.
Having a talent for fighting but hate it more than anyone else. Because of lack of the ability of erasing memories and feelings. And because very vulnerable to stress.
I wanted to write something that no one could write before. The most outstanding writing. But now, I want to write something that doesn't hurt anyone. Because in my art theme, I defined people to seek art when they need comfort. I want to write something that doesn't hurt anyone. I want to say something that doesn't hurt anyone.
I listen to Lee So Ra's song.
I listen to your song that reveals all your wounds.
Now I listen to the healing process, not your wounds.
Now I get healing by your music which can explain every detail of that names of pains. Since you feel the most.
Now I can feel camaraderie with your music. I'm encouraged.
Lee So Ra.
My artist.
It's windy today.
