Is it, worth it?

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgI6PjEq0O8

You know, I don’t really like to write my diary in English, since it ain't my first language. Its rather easy to boast my writing skills in Korean, but in English the grammar and spelling rather gets quite complicated, and thus my writing often contains multiple mistakes. As I am a simple coward too fearful to make mistakes, I run away, from writing in English. I mean, I don’t even need to make an excuse for it. 

One thing I've realized, is that there are tons of things I can rationalize without being seen so. No one, sometimes not even myself, would notice the fear growing inside of me, making decision instead of my God-given conscience and God-driven heart. That, is how strong fear is. To me, its an emotion that holds me stronger than love, or the Love. The stuffy feeling inside of my chest, the fear of getting something taken that were never mine, overwhelms the need for acceptance and love. Now that, truly is the scary thing. 

I may have believed that I worth more than gold or golden figures, but as we all know, or at least to my knowledge, everyone, has different values. See, in a world where all pencils are 20 bucks, since its set as a 20 bucks, one can use that as a currency and call it something else. For that reason, still, to me, God saying I worth more than gold, means not too much, for He says the same to all, of us. This is where I realized that my base of worth is founded upon asking "How much more do I worth, compared to other people around you?". See, in this social world, you, we, make choices everyday. To call this person rather than this person, to cancel this appointment rather than the other, to eat this than that, to talk or not. And I constantly visualize myself being juggled by the people around me, as if I am a ground beef on a scale ready to be sold. That, is the view of me. That, is how I view myself. A product to be used by people, and by God. If a product A can offer more than B for the same price, people will choose A over B. So I wanted to be that A. The recognition that I am the A, is what comforted my heart. 

So the problem starts here. I judge the people of the B, the B classes are the redundancies of  nature and of society. To achieve such state of A-ness, yes, pun intended, I, had to be someone so very special. The one man, that could offer so many things. The one man, so smart and knowledgeable, the one saviour, the saviour of all.

Then I start dividing people into two groups. One that treats me like an A, and the other that treats me like B. Now I didn’t change a thing, but depending on their need, they mark my value differently. This, is very natural behaviour of people. So people choose to go to people who treat them like As. 

If someone asked me why my faith hasn’t grown much, my answer would be because I was seen as the A. Its rather easy to fool people, making them think that I know a lot about bible and thus my faith is deep. So people hear my gibberish, and take it to their heart's cherish. I long for place where people treat me as if I have B faith. I don’t understand too many things about God, yet these people of Christianity,  the fellow "brother" or "sister", s, in Christ wouldn't try to answer my questions. To them, their hearts can settle with not discussing about the divine being that they so cherish in their mind. To them, all they gotta do is watch and listen all day every day. For me, that ain't enough. I desire to go, and be in a community where I have the B class faith. I do, with all sincerity. God, speaks. Yeah I know that. But its not like I can always have deep conversation with that dude above, right? 

I also feel like I am always the one that waits. I mean, this is completely off the topic, but whatever. My diary. I am pretty sure, that I either have to wait longer to get it, or I give up. Its been like this too many times. Three is three too many times. In the time of this three-ness, a jazzy lofi music is the only thing that bothers to comfort me. Jeez for heavens sake. But sadly, aha, no one can know. Yes, no one will really know. 

Nobody would know, nobody. Last time I saw him it was sitting on him. Yeah he'll be missed. That quick little bastard, I miss him already. 

Every single time people tell me "oh you are such a good person.", I can't help smudging a snug in my head saying "oh really, now.". You see, you only think that I am a good person for I did good to you. If I broke you, would you still say the same thing? Nah. "But you wouldn't really do that, will you?". "Oh, you just wait and see.". Nah God, I'll wait. 

Ok, I've done plenty of waiting. Its enough. I had, enough. No more waiting this time. Its not worth it, I think. I can gladly be B, but I still don’t want to be that B. Just, for once, to be A, a true A to a worthy being, would be, deeply, appreciated. 

I've had enough tho. Right? 

J-