[책] <나를 보내지마>를 읽고

I finally got a visa. 2 years visa to work here. It means from now on I can make money legally, so  I can join a dance academy, buy all spices I'd love to get for the vegan recipes, have a coffee whenever I want, pay for a book in a bookstore without thinking of moneywise three times.

So I'm dancing now. I knew that I would love it, and I really love daning Anni. I purchased an unlimited classes. I took 2 classes in a row last night. Urban foundations and Diva. I take off everything while I dance. I'm really at that moment. I only feel the groove and my body. The others disapear. Something like me, inside of me, is like blooming, as if I know nothing but yellow. 

1. Never let me go

I told you that I bought the book, 'Never let me go' when I got your message. After reading once, I was reading it for the second time, but in the meantime, a few things happened, so I couldn't dive deep in the story again. (and I'm late to write letter to you;) 

The reason I wanted to read it one more time has somthing to do with my lack of sense about the finte destiny. 

Ishiguro said he needed a certain limited background for the young people to experience friendship and love, when he set up the novel. Then, the concept of clones came out in his mind. Since if something is limited, everything becomes more intense. 

If the clones were like just robots, I wouldn't have desire to read it again. But they are like humans in the book. It made me question who are the another poor creatures.

I pretend not to know I'm gonna die. I wanna believe that I'm not gonna die or I'm not gonna getting older. I can't even imagine that I will die oneday. I feel like my life would continue like this and dying is too far from me. 

But the true is that we all are also the poor creatures. None of us can get the deferral from the death in the long run, and most of us donates some part of us to the power in this exploiting world. 

I heard about the book first through Korean book podcast. The host said somthing about the main characters' attitude towards thier destiny. 

Ruth dreamed to work in an office, even she intuited it's not gonna happen. She believed that there was a way to get the deferral. Tommy also kept drawing, believing that it will prove his creativity for the deferral. When it turned out, there's no way to get it, Tommy lost his temper. 

But Kathy was different. She just accept the way it is. She accept her destiny and does her best to live with that. She did confront her life. When it comes to death, I think the acceptance of it is to confront our destiny. 

One of my new year plan is to read more book about death.  I'd like to clearly aware of me dying. People I love as well. It's different just to read and talk about death from to deeply think and feel about it. (But is it possible to be clearly aware of it, when I haven't had any experience of death?)

For my life, for keeping my love and friendship more precious, I'm hoping that I remind me of my destiny as many as I can. I don't want to pretend not to know it and to be arrogant to think like everything around me is eternal. But you know what, How I am easily forgetful. 

Let's see.

 While they wanna prove thier creativity, we eager to prove our usefulness. But what trully makes us being human beings?  

 2. #Me too Movement.

Korean women started to speak out their sexual harassment experience. One prosecutor opened her story in public broadcast first, followed by actresses, poet, political officer. 

I'm shocked. I knew that south korea is a patriarchal society, but I didn't know that how horrible it is. Because we live in a patriarchal society, women has less opportunity to make a progress in a workplace, and it can easily happen that women are blocked to make an achievement from the starting line. It becomes the social hierarchy. The strong and the weak. The weak become the victims of the strong. In our society, women are much more likely to be that victims. 

The inflictors used their power for raping women. Maybe our society gave too much power to the men for letting them to rape women. That's why they exploit women just for fun without any guilt.

It makes me feel really angry, but what makes me furious the most is not in there.

I liked Mr. Ann. He was one of the candidates for the president election last year. He's a progressive and he looked like he's on the side of the weak. I believed that he was a politician who followed social justice. 

It turned out he did rape his secretary. It was hard to believe. 'No way, maybe it would be a wrong information.' It was my first reaction to the issue. 

Now I'm more like disappointed. I'm disappointed by humans. I like to believe someone who's talking about the good things. But I now know I shouldn't believe anybody that easily. I don't know their real nature and life. 

'I normally don't care what others talking about. I hardly listen to that, so it never hurts me. But when the like-minded people who I believed that they were sharing something invisible with me turned out that they were just pretenders, I am incredibley sad. Just so sad.' One of my friend once said to me.

 Jay said he's ashamed as a man about Mr. Ann. He's also grown up as a man under a patriarchal atmosphere, so maybe in his subconsciousness, he would think about woman like the most korean men does; Men are superior to women, so women are subjected by men.  

It's common for his friends to exchange the naked girls on their messanger without thinking that they're actually treating that girls as sexual objectification. Men are the subject who can consume women, making us the object. 

I also talked about it with Vera. I said that I'm scared of myself being degenerated like Mr. Ann. But she said that he would be like that person from the first time. She said humans don't change easily. 'Even if he is an intellectual elite, it couldn't gurantee his virtue. His boundary is a patriarchal and authoritarian korean society.'

I feel nauseous.

The thing is that we still need to reform the sexual inequality social system and the irrational mindset about sex itself. 

3. 

We goona move to a new place at the end of this month! We gonna have 2 bedrooms, so we're not gonna live a living room anymore. What I like the most is that it is a renovated suite and very close to the vegan cafe. Haha.

Also, we are planing to visit South korea on the middle of May for 2 weeks. It was supposed to be a month break and I was excited to travel Cuba. But we changed our plan. Little bit sad about not going to Cuba this time. (Then, when do you think you can go, Karen?)

It's about choice A and B. Before I choose between them, I should know who I am at least for a second. Let's say I finally go for A. Then, I do the things for making it going well. I don't wanna complain to myself about not going for B. No, just go my way. 

The problem is that although I do my best, sometimes it turns out really bad. I can fail. 

But what struck me was the attitude of some people who carried their choices with thier best and honest. (I don't know why I'm talking about this.) 

I have my part of responsibility to live my life. It can't be shared by anyone. I'd like to carry that like cow. 

I'm gonna quit the chicken restaurant before going to South korea, but keep the vegan cafe. I might work as a full-timer soon in there. I still like to work with them. 

It's getting little bit sunny here. How's there? How's your trip going? and how was the book? We haven't decided our next book yet ! It's your turn to pick this time. I'll wait for you Anni. If you have time to write, tell me about your thought and what's happening around you.     

Thanks:)

xxKaren