[편지] Freeing my mind

아니에게

I've thought about 'freeing my mind', but it's just ended up disagreeing with the words.  

I don't think our life can mingle with freedom. 

While I had no idea what to write about the subject you picked for me, I watched a movie, Air doll. I've watched couple of Hirokazu Kore-eda's movies, but I didn't expect that I would like this movie most among what I'd seen.

1. The plot

Hideo lives with sex doll, and he calls it Nozomi which was his ex-girlfriend's name. He treats her as a real person, talking to her, eating with her, having sex with her.

One day, after Hideo going to work,  a doll Nozomi comes to life. She starts wandering about the streets, and accidently drops by a video store where Junichi's working, and gets a chance working in the store. I think Nozomi likes him with their first encounter. They becomes closer. Junichi takes Nozomi to the sea where Nozomi has never been. He helps Nozomi acquire the information about movies as well. And Nozomi likes him more and more. 

Nozomi has always been careful not to be revealed that she's a doll. 

But she gets hurted while she's working. She deflates. Junichi observes her deflation, and quickly repairs the tear with adhesive tape, and blows air into her belly. Nozomi keeps saying, 'Don't look at me'. She doesn't want him to know her true substance, for she loves him.

Nozomi keeps working in the video store in the daytime, and goes back to home at night as a sex doll of Hideo.(I'm a substitute for someone else. I'm a sex doll.) 

She sometimes just walks around, then meets a grandfather in a park who does nothing but just watching giant buildings in his view. The grandfa says to Nozomi that he's empty. Nozomi answers,' I'm empty too!' with her eyes wide. Do you think there are others like me? The grandfa answers that everyone is empty in a big city. Nozomi's excited that she's not the only one made of air.  

When Nozomi faces Junichi after the accident, Junichi doesn't look that shocked and surprizingly says to her that he's also not that different from her. Nozomi misunderstands what he means, and thinks that he's also made of air. 

Nozomi finally let Hideo know that she finds a heart, but Hideo asks Nozomi to come back as a not annoying-lifeless doll. Nozomi runs away from Hideo, and she visits the factory where she's born. She talks with her maker. 

'Having a heart is hearthbreaking.'

'Was everything you saw in this world sad? Was there something, anything, that was beautiful?' Her maker asked,

She goes to Junichi's place. She says she wanna do anything what he wants, because she thinks that's what she's born for. Junichi asks her to deflate, and he wanna blow air into her again. Nozomi accepts it, and they do the repetition of 'deflation and inflation'.

After that, Nozomi wants to returns the favour, so she cuts his belly with scissor when he sleeps and tries to put adhesive tape to it. She fails to blow the air into him. She realizes that he isn't made of air. 

 

Heartbroken, Nozomi throws Junichi's dead body out with the garbage and let herself to deflate with the garbage. 

This is Nozomi's monologue in a movie.

'It seems life is constructed in a way that no one can fulfill it alone.

Just as it's not enough for flowers to have pistils and stamens, an insect or a breeze must introduce a pistil to a stamen...

Life contains its own absence, which only an other can fulfill...

It seems the world is the summation of others and yet, we neither know nor are told that we will fulfill each other...

We lead our scattered lives, perfectly unaware of each other...

Or at times, allowed to find the other's presence disagreeable...

Why is it that the world is constructed so loosely?'

2. So, freeing my mind?

I don't think myself as air doll. I'm not that light.

Instead, I feel a hole inside. 

I agree it can be filled by others to a certain extent. 

But I'm not sure if others can fulfill this hole completely. I don't know, I just don't expect it. 

I'm not confident about fulfilling other's hole as well.

When it comes to an emptiness, I think the best way to deal with it is just to accept an inevitable hole in our life. We do our best for loving each other, but we are the creature of having our own hole in the end.

Some people can't stand the emptiness and die. Some are desperately trying to fill it with others. Some blunt the sense of emptiness and get older. 

I wanna keep up a clear sense of my hole. 

It's double-sided. 

I can't live alone, so I need you. But you can't fill it all, then I have my own solitude.

We are not different from each other basicall, but depending on how we see our own hole, life can be different.

 

I'm happy to love my boyfriend, friends, families, and be loved by them. But happiness doesn't mean that I'm free. Also inside the relationship, happiness is not the only word. As much as I'm in happy-zone, I should let myself feel the sadness, regret, anger too. At this point, freedom means just let it happen and go. And be honest to my emotions.

 

Then, about my solitude.

 I think I need to accept it's existance first. Like I'm born like this way, there's no way I can fill the entire hole inside me. We're doomed to have a hole, which can't be fulfilled. I believe It's the way it is as a human being. 

I'd like to give it a eye to see the world with me. I don't want it to be just sad or bored. 

But when it's really blue, I'm kind of okay to be wet with that mood. Then I'll see the world with blue eyes. 

I accept my defectiveness can't be fulled with his love. Since when love passes, I still keep my hole here. I won't deny that I fall short of abundance. I just decide to see the world with my hole, emptiness, solitude. The world constructed so loosely. Me constucted so loosely.

 That's what I'd like to do, if you ask about freeing my mind. 

3. Priority

What's your priority now Anni?

My mind is busy with lots of plan, but in reality, it's not easy to do the single thing.

I'm working as a full-time worker, I cook as a whole-plant dieter, I write as a...tryer, I study english for surviving, I do exercise for my abs(recently started), I dance for fun., and I need to read books!

Sometimes I'm lost. What am I doing? Where am I? 

All I wanna be is a superwoman! Doing everyting so perfectly tightly!

Nah,,, I know,, just saying. 

My priority is, 

The most meaningful thing for me is studying the world, trying to have my own idea, then acting! 

(Really?)

I don't know, maybe it's too big word. 

Then, actually, 

I wanna be good at writing!!! 

I read one guy's writing. (He's korean, and his writing as well) You know how I felt after reading his writing? 

'He has a writing-heart.'

It seemed like for him only writing was a really big deal.

He has a heart for writing.

But do I?

You know that it's just a shitty rambling.

It's rainy outside, and I can smell it. papery ground smell. I like it. 

You seemed so comfortable there. 

When you have time, you can also tell me about your story. 

I'll finish here, and spend time with looking at rain, with my hole. Haha;

Bye ANNI.

I'll see you soon