[편지] Micro-true

Anni, 아니

I did cycling this moring, so now I feel a little bit tired. Tueseday is my off-day. Sometimes I become too lazy to wake up early and just roll over on my bed. But some days I start a day early and try to be vibrant. Today I started moring with your letter, and it made me a bit sentimental. 

Also I heard that my grandmother(of my father side) passed away a few days ago. For I didn't check my mom's message couple of days, I missed my granma's funeral. My father's been really angry about me not being kept in touch with and not coming to her funeral, and he said (worried) that I wouldn't come back to Korea even when he die. I don't care what he's talking about, but I'm sorry for that he lost his mom. A poor guy lost his poor mom. and I, her granddaughter, feel nothing on her death. What a tragedy. But I can't lie. I'm not sad at all..  

I was rambling on about her death on the bed last night. Jay was reading a book, Korean novel which he suddenly found absorbing. I interrupt his reading. 

'She died, finally. Everyone in our familly want her to die, and she died. but you know what, she was dead one to me since she'd been hospitalized with alzheimer. She forgot to think, so she forgot her language, she forgot everything. She just opened her mouth automatically when her carer got the spoon with food to her. She didn't move at all but flick her eyes over and over again. All she did was to eat, then poop on her diaper. I called her name, but she forgot moving her neck and looking at me. meaningless calling, only surviving, waiting for death on the hospital bed.

She never lived her own life, and as she got older, she became a burden to her sons and daughter. Who am I, I'm from her. I'm not here if she didn't exist. She just sacrified her life for the war, work, money, children, grandsons. Where was her own life? Oh my gosh, I'm bitch.'

Jay listened to me all, and after that boring confession I went asleep. Morning came, I live my life. My precious life, the most important thing in my world. There's no room for the grief for her. Regardless of her vanished, my life's going well.        

/

I thought you were just so busy. I wonder you feel better now..

Do you think it's just gonna be a passing phase of you guys relationship? I mean, Jay and I, we've been living together for 4 years, and we went through some difficult phases of our relationship. We fought a lot, I was thinking about packing my backpack to leave him whenever we had an arguement. But anyway, I'm still with him since I love him.

You said you're her everything and also you love her so much.. then I think there can be a way to solve the problem.     

I don't think you are controlling her. (I'm your friend, not her. It means anyway I'm on your side. but even with a detached view, You are not!) It's natural for you to say something to her, when you feel uncomfortable about her. you guys are living together, and I think it's totally different from just loving together. 

It's natural for you to feel lonely without her. If you have a problem, it would be that you are just too honest about your emotion.(and I like that) You are not in your home ground, you're in the new place. One of the main reason you went there is Jen, your love. What else can be more important to you than her. It's super healthy that you want to be with her so much! You shouldn't be blamed with that.

I know you're not expecting any advice from me, so I'm afraid to say something. 

But If you can't find someone you wanna be a friend with, I think you better stay alone, enjoying your own solitude. You deserve it. 

It's natural that sometimes love itself can make us unhappy, depressed, jealous, stupid. Don't you think so? I've been going through all that emotions while I love him, and I can't guess what's goona come next. You know the song 'Someone like you' by Adele. There's a lyric in the song. 'Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.' I'm not sure if our love story would finish with a happy ending or.. ugly cheating. But I'm sure that love has mutiple faces, it doesn't always give us pleasure. You said you would be there for her. Then why not being toxic to each other for a while before you both being detoxicant to each other. 

No, It's maybe just a word. Never mind. You know that when we're not in that real situation, we can easily say something. 

I'm not in your situation. I know nothing. You would know very well about what you're gonna do.   

1.A relationship

Sometimes I found out myself expecting certain images from others. For example, you know Vera, my boss. I thought I was a friend of her. But I realized that we couldn't be freinds. 

Maybe I'm too strick about the meaning of a friend. For me, Being a friend means not thinking about making profit from a relationship. I'm a friend of you because I like you personally. It should be all about friend relationship. 

 But Ours is basically employer and employee. If I was bad at working in a cafe, she would never like me. I felt that one day. 

'Maybe Korean or pilipino. Korean are hard workers, and most pilipinos are really loyal and desperate to work.' 

She said like this one day, When I asked if she's gonna only hire Korean, for I would like to work with coworkers who's from different countries.

For couple of days, I was thinking about changing my job. I was disappointed by her. 

Japanese girl came with resume, and again Vera said, 'Let's keep her resume, Japanese are also hard-worker.'

I suddenly had urge to ask her if I'm also a hard-worker. 

She is really kind person. She is still the best boss I've ever met. (Haha;;) Also I'm not sure If I could say something better when I have my own business for making profit and need to hire someone like she does.

But the more I'm talking and working with her, the less I wanna be a friend of her. I just wanna be one of her employee during my shift.  

It was my fault from the first time. I confess that fantasized about her. 'Vera is not pretentious. Vera doesn't care about making profit. Vera is different from other boring Korean ladies. Vera's not judgemental at all. What Vera's saying is all true..' 

I don't do that anymore. Instead, I just try to have a good feeling about her as my boss. 

2.A Movie.

I watched a Korean movie called Microhabitat. Nothing complicated or deep symbol was in a movie. But it touched me, It's about a portrait of my generation in South Korea. 

The main character name is Miso. I think she would be my age in the movie. She lives in a single room by herself. (There's lots of studio apartment in South Korea, but miso's room is nothing more than an old and sabby one..) She works as a house-cleaner. she managed to eke out a living, but the thing is that she is really okay with her life, as long as she can smoke cigarette, have wiskey, and be with her boyfriend, whose dream is to be an webtoon painter even though he is working in a factory. 

The funniest scene in the movie was that they couldn't have sex, for her room was too cold in a winter. 

But the crisis comes. Suddenly all the prices go up greatly. She used to able to buy cigarette with 2 dollars, but the cheapeast one becomes 4 dollars after inflation of prices.(It really happened in South Korea.) Not only cigarette but the prices of everything go up so rapidly. Finally she decides to give up her room, which costs the most, for she can't give up her cigarette or wiskey in her life. She leaves her small room, and starts her journey. She's thinking of asking her friends to accommodate her with a night's lodgeing. 

She was a member of a band when she was in university. So she visits her band's members. One girl rejects her favor for she can't share her place with anybody else. Even she is too busy to talk with her. One boy accepted her, but Miso found out he was living a miserable life. He got married, but wife left him. He bought an apartment for their marriage life, but now he just left behind with 30 years debt. Miso listens to his story and tries to comfort him. when she leave, she cleans his messy house in return for letting her in. 

Next destination was another girl's house who lives with her mother-in-law and father-in-law. She is not happy with her life. She's been doing every house chores by herself. She works like housemaid at her home. Her husband, mother-in-law, father-in-law, none of them cares about her life, just exploit her labors. Miso cooks for her when she leave.       

While she moves from one room to another, his boyfriend suddenly notices her that he's gonna go to Saudi Arabia for 2 years to make money. 

'I might give up drawing, and I'll make money for our future. You know what, I've failed to go to university, be a painter, almost in everyting I've just failed over and over again. But this time I volunteered and they accepted me. It's my first time to get approval from others. To be honest I'm so happy about it.'

Miso said, 'I need nothing but cigarette, wiskey, and you, who are the most important one in my life. I don't need something else. If you leave me, how can I live?'

Some friend assults Miso that she has no responsibility about her life. They say Miso has to quit smoking or drinking and find some way of living better life, like theirs.

But Miso lets them talk, lets her boyfriend leave, and keeps her life with her own way of living.

She's still working as a house cleaner, drinking whiskey which costs double of her hourly wage, but the difference from the past is that she's living in a tent on the street. Her small but bright tent is the last scene of the movie.

I liked that she sticks to her personal taste to the end.

Even though she has nothing, she keeps her dignity.   

What is your personal taste you cannot quite give up, like something too precious to give up?

your dignity?

I'm better off than an year ago. I have place to live in, I have full time job, I saved some money(for what?), I can buy fruits even though it's little bit pricey, I can eat out or treat friends without feeling burdensome. I buy books instead of borrowing it

But sometimes, like today, I feel sorry to my life. I'm a hard worker. I'm doing working out regularly. I'm controlling my diet as a vegan. Oh what a healthy and proper life..

But it's easy to forget something, something more true.

I finished Mrs.Dalloway by Virginia Woolf, and started to read 1984 by George Orwell. 

Virginia Woolf, her book and life makes me feel a sense of futility. George Orwell's life makes me think about guilty which comes from nowhere. 

I like reading them. 

I wanna read them more.

What if I could be more wise.

3. 

We are gonna buy a car, I'm gonna take this autumn dance classes as well, oh, I'll be on the stage for dance performance maybe?, I'm still cooking a lot, I tried to make a story and write about it, but failed.. Ummmm... What else.. I sometimes miss Korea too much, the weather here is so whimsical, I'm trying to use less plastic bags, coz I'm worrying about the earth. Humans are bad..and I'm human too. 

Anni, 

Hope you feel my hello with this letter.

Happy to share with you.

I'll see you sooon. Sweet girl.