I am a coward

I realized I am a coward who doesn't do anything to save me from my affliction and is winning all about it. 

I had a dream that has been hard to articulate, but I had it.

Now after all these years, after almost 20 years of not being able to articulate the dream I have dreamt, tonight, after a bunch of tears dropping from my eyes, I was finally able to name the dream that I had dreamt of. It is a yearning for creation. A yearning to create something that could be a beautiful, genuine, authentic, and even one of a kind piece.   

Knowing that I am not smart enough, not good enough, just mediocre at what I desperately want to do, but the cries didn't go away. It grew and grew and grew inside of me screaming at me. The discrepancy between my desire and the lack of talent that I think I have is the affliction that has caused all the pain in me. I couldn't find a place where I feel I fit in, I felt so lost that I am so lost in the sea of deep wonder. That my circumstances didn't allow me to pursue what I wanted to do, but was I focused enough? 

Stop being a coward, and pursue the dream that will torture me the rest of my life if it remains unfulfilled. I know you have the gene of the fatal disease that you really need to have health insurance to be covered when the illness really happens. I know you are already 40 (3 months left, technically) that you will be 46 or 47 by the time you finish the program. I know that you are not that smart, or talented to follow your heart for your dream. I know all of that.

And I know where I am now is very fulfilling.

However, my heart is yearning for more. I want to feel the sense of accomplishment full, not just a half. I want to die doing what I love doing, not want to live with regretting for the rest of my life about what I haven't done or given in even before I really tried. 

 

 God, give me strength.