05. The place left by regret

After giving birth to my first child, I suffered depression. It seemed that only my world was trapped and stopped. I thought ‘If I had used birth control, I wouldn't have suffered like this’. At that time, I felt sorry for the child and suffered from guilt.

while raising a child, the childhood wounds that suddenly came to mind. And The traumatic events I had experienced in my life came without notice in various forms. panic attacks and temporary dissociative amnesia. i thought i was dying.

But I couldn't go to the psychiatrist. Because I had no money. I didn't have the confidence to costs over 10-15k won per session.

In Seoul, I received a short free psychological counseling at a mental health center operated by the country. After moving to Gimcheon, I went to a small local psychiatric clinic, but there was no improvement. The doctor asked me, a person with anxiety disorder, why I keep having anxious thoughts. and he kept recommending religious methods. so i gave up. I was wasting my time and money.

The year before last, I suffered from chest pains of unknown origin, headaches and tinnitus. I went to university hospital and I had all kinds of tests for about 3 months. MRI. CT. vestibular organ examination. But all was normal. I was so frustrated. The doctor told me to visit a shrink because it could be a neurotic symptom.

Eventually, I found a shrink in a general hospital. My symptoms, which I have explained so many times. As much as the number of explanations, I felt helpless as if I couldn't convince the doctor. so my head went blank as to what to say.

The doctor said I had nightmare disorder. She focused on alleviating my symptoms. She did not treat any psychological problems. She just prescribed medication to keep up with my daily life.

After moving to here, I visited the Gangneung Asan Hospital's last week. I was able to see a doctor after a long appointment. He said that medicine only relieves symptoms for a while, but is not a radical treatment. He asked me about my childhood. It was the first such doctor.

If I had come to the large hospital from the beginning, would I be okay now? no. Better start over now.

The doctor said that I had to fight slowly, from being hurt by my family and traumas I had experienced in my life. It is very difficult to recall the past, but I think that the treatment method was different and better than before.

If I had been born to different parents, would I be different? If I had made different choices in many moments, would my life have been better?

There is also resentment and regret. But I love a life where I can never say that “I won't regret the past and I will never make a choice that will leave me with regret” Rather than trying to get up quickly and get up, I respect the life that goes through the tunnel of regret, that deep sigh and despair, and struggle with my whole body.

Regret leaves a place to face me again, even though I can't turn back the past. A place where belated repentance, forgiveness that will not be too late, understanding and encouragement toward me at that time. A place where these things are possible. In the end, a place where I can gladly let go of my regrets. In that respect, I think regret is a kind of rite of passage.

In fact, I don’t feel impatient at all. Nearly 10 years have passed with no hope that I will ever be cured. But As the saying goes ‘everything depends on your mindset’. If I believe I will be cured, I will get better.