Do you sound like a leader?

Your intentions are  lost in translation

Not many people know this, but I majored in communications and minored in English linguistics and literature. That could have set me up to become a master of language and communication after graduation. After 14 years of a professional career in the corporate world, though, I humbly face the fact that I am a lifelong student of communication.

To make anything happen in this world, it is fair to say we need communication with who we are working together.

When it comes to leading other people in a direction you envision, you cannot imagine the power of words you use in the success or the failure of your leadership. Think about those phrases like “I have a dream…” by Martin Luther King.

The way we say our thoughts and feelings has a huge impact on the person who receives our words. Even including ourselves. The way we talk to ourselves has shaped our lives.

When I was 19, a friend of mine told me this. “You use a lot of should, have to, need to”. I certainly was living in a world where I was carrying out my plans and duties and rigorously delivering upon those. It felt that there was no choice to see it otherwise like I “wanted to” do those. After decades of enforcing my mental frame by using such words, I finally paused and heard myself talk. And, WOW. How pushy I sounded. How harsh I was to myself.

That made me reflect. What are the words I speak out loud to the teams at work? Was I ignorant to how I may have come across? Were my words a secret reason why I sometimes felt misheard or even misunderstood? Was I giving my best try to be the leader I wanted to be, in the way I sounded?

I have decided to be more aware and improve the way I can lead the people around me through better communication. Here are my learnings so far.

1. There is no one fits all solutions

This is almost like a disclaimer, so it is the first thing I will share. What works for Martin Luther King may not work for Yogi Berra. What works in a dire situation may not work over a light lunch meeting.

There is no one fits all solutions. Just be aware of your default, then the environment you are in, including who you are talking to. And consider your options.

2. Know what you say and what that does to you and others

The 2nd learning is about that ‘knowing your default’ part. That pre-set mode in us is so ingrained. It’s hard to be aware.

I tend to use a strong vocabulary. I have got a fire in me. Apparently, if you are an Aeries or Tiger or Blood type B then you have a strong and passionate personality, and I am a combination of all three. Anyway, I naturally go for powerful words. Here are actual examples of word choices I made that I caught myself up with.

This is a roadblock.

Avoid doing it.

This needs to be done.

I am wasting my time.

Creating an impact is important.

There’s no other way.

They are POWER words, aren’t they? They are punch, strong, and straightforward. If you or I hear these words all our alerts will go up and we will be thinking fast in our head “what to do!”

Here are alternative options to those exact phrases as an example.

This is a roadblock. <> This is delaying the process.

Avoid doing it. <> Play it another way.

This needs to be done. <> We can consider if and when this is relevant.

We are wasting time. <> Time is finite.

Creating an impact is important. <> it is important to leave a footprint with our effort

There’s no other way. <> What imaginative way can we consider resolving this?

The other track certainly somehow conveys the same message, yet it’s much more open, softer, and somehow even inviting, isn’t it?

I have started experimenting with these alternative paths to my ‘default’ of strong, sometimes black-and-white ways of communicating. And the result has been intriguing. I was asking a rhetorical question, but I got a new idea shared by a team member. It wasn’t a rhetorical question after all. I’d be just softening up a bit the phrases and I’d get a relaxed face back and sometimes honesty and creativity.

Those were my aha moments — I could understand how my intentions could get lost in the word choices I make. I am results-driven, but my words did not need to be.

3. Articulation isn’t the goal.

As a non-native speaker of English, I am very conscious of whether I am making myself clear. This thought was endorsed by all the communication self-help talks. I learned to be on-point and concise, to be articulate. I heard to use emotional words, be simple, consider my audience… And yes, those are really good advice. But I have a theory. Articulation CAN BE good, but it isn’t the goal for us. Sometimes it can even be ineffective.

A friend of mine sometimes bugs me: I’d ask him a question like “Do you like this or that?” And he’d answer “yes”. Huh? I asked him what he likes, EITHER A or B, and he goes “yes”. Here’s another one. I’d ask him a yes or no question. Then he’d not answer yes or no but would talk about a whole story he has on his mind. I learned from him that answering “yes or no” or following the person’s question simply feels like he’s considered stupid.

I never would have imagined that ‘articulation’ to two simple binary choices can make the listener feel undermined with his intelligence. I thought I was making our conversation simpler and clearer.

Working for a sports company gives you plenty of opportunities to learn about athletes. I recently got the opportunity to learn about Yogi Berra’s life.

He was elected to the Baseball Hall of fame in 1972. He won American League Most Valuable Player award three times. He is probably one of the greatest catchers in baseball history.

I didn’t know so much about this until I looked it up online. But I did know some of his famous quotes. Here are my favorites.

“It ain’t over till it’s over”

“You better cut the pizza in four pieces, because I am not hungry enough to eat six”

“Baseball is 90 percent mental, and the other half is physical”

“If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else”

“You can observe a lot by watching”

“It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much”

They are quirky and profound, and they don’t make logical sense. I’d scratch my head then see the deep thoughts under, or I’d be still getting what he meant, though the words are just messed up. That’s actually why we love these quotes and the character Yogi Berra.

So the leader, the coach, and one of the greatest baseball players exemplifies — articulation isn’t the goal. It’s about what you say and how you say it.

Don’t worry too much about how to choose the best possible word or idiom to express your words. Rather think of your intentions, and say them in the best possible, authentic way.

4. Listen, before you talk.

I talked about talking. But dare I say, leading people through communication is probably about listening, rather than talking.

Typically, I would go first to share my opinions and thoughts. Not because I love talking. I would have some quick thoughts to break an awkward silence. I am generally quick to raise my hand up and ask questions. Probably I have behaved this way, as I was told that people with my ethnic background don’t raise their hands up and don’t speak their minds. Perhaps I was in a way fighting that stereotype by being extra vocal and extra opinionated.

But when you can lead the others — it is a little more complex than that. If I say everything I want to, as it comes to my mind, it can feel uninviting to share their ideas.

So I just put to a small experiment, giving myself a rule of the game: be the last person to speak.

It was hard for me to be the last one to talk and start with listening. I would see the time and it is almost at the end of a meeting, and I didn’t get to share what I had in mind. But as I had listened carefully, I knew the team already had all the wisdom they needed. They were finding solutions themselves. I was so glad I wasn’t the first one to talk and share my own thoughts. Their collective thoughts were much better than my own opinion. There, all I wanted to say was good encouragement and recognition.

Let them do the talking. Give space for them to say what’s on their mind. Listen to them. Be the last person to speak.

I would like to believe that we all have good intentions. To be the respected and proud leader that we want to be. Sometimes, it is true that good intentions are not enough and one shall communicate our intentions well –

1. There is no one fits all solutions, so assess your options.

2. Know what you say and what that does to you and others. For me, the discovery was about my default to power phrases and softening them when it makes sense.

3. Articulation isn’t the goal. Yogi Berra was the opposite of articulation with his most famous quotes. Yet we adore him, respect him. Say with your heart, in an authentic way.

4. Listen, and listen before you talk. Give the space for others to find their paths by speaking their minds and let that guide your conversation.